Starless Calculations

Funny how you can see things clear but then can't articulate that to words on the page, what buggers up the transition? Drove home in the car last night and thought, just what is my job doing to my brain? I mean at the end of the day all that i am is a guy with a bunch of stuff who is continually makin' calculations as to how to get rid of it all without losing any money and, even better, makin' as much money as possible from each and every transaction. That is what i do. I don't save lives through any kind of medical or mystical knowledge; I don't educate people; I don't have skills to pass on to people from far flung places of the world who might not have much in the way of their own resources. No, I don't do any of those things. Nuthin' to give, nuthin' to pass on. What I do is just sell stuff and look for ways all the time of continuing to sell stuff, the illusion that i give myself is that because the stuff happens to be Buddhist related and therefore connected with things such as meditation and renunciation of the world and all of its wicked desires then somehow that means I am engaged in a holy, worthy, occupation. Bollox. Fact of the matter is that i ain't. I only have to look at the regular day to day seediness of my mind and the mental states that I inhabit to know that it is a stone cold certain fact that leadin' this kind of life just ain't really doin' me any good. Heart of flesh and blood or heart of stone? Well i really don't think there is much contest. Anyway, all those calculations, those myriad calculations day in day out must do something to me, something way beyond my capacity to ever figure before I end up dead, before I reach the end of the line so to speak, and have to face whatever lies beyond. Let's face it, even though I have been reading the kind of books for years an' years which purport to provide the answers to such questions, I personally haven't got an effin' clue... might be heaven, might hell, might be more of the same, might be completely nothing at all...really have no answer to that. Clueless, completely and utterly clueless so don't come to me lookin' for salvation, it will be as much as I can do to help myself.

Been working quite hard these last few weeks what with one thing and another - trying to get Tamdin's website up and running, trying to find ways of making sure the great and glorious Wisdom Books stays in business, but hey, think I've just mentioned that. Guess there comes a point where I find myself in situations where I am not really showing great mindfulness, saying things for the sake of winding other people up, there might be some kind of dim glimmer in the back of the mind that my attitude in some particular kind of situation might not be that helpful but that does not seem to be enough to stop me from saying things that are bound to provoke, bound to be the cause of further argument. No good, not helpful. For example me and Tamdin have been bickering and disagreeing lately over quite a few things, mainly things to do with her website and stuff like that, visions clashin' over how it is going to end up being, the site that is. Two minds locking horns. Steam risin' and then all kinds of strange things can start flyin' through the air. Guess it is fair to say she must be getting more than a little sick of the sight of me at times, especially when I open my big mouth and shoot down in flames some idea she has had which she thinks is great. Shoot it down in flames...my speciality is to always be negative it seems, always me who is the destrictive one. Maybe she aims too high, maybe I just suffer from a crushing lack of guts but whatever it is, it has caused conflict between us over the last few weeks of that there is not a doubt.

ridin' the rocky seas
how to navigate?
where are the right stars
to guide by?
ain't gotta clue,
blind leadin' the blind
hope it works out
but there is no gaurantee