always had to play my cards pretty close to my chest
never thought I ever had too much to give away
still think the same after all these years,
the limitations of my existence have forever remained.
some talk of boundless freedom and breaking down the barriers
that hold you back from doing anything you wanna do...
guess i've always been too happy to stuff my face and sit back
when the sun goes down.
so no point in crying at the emotional pain I feel
as the waters, the forever flowing waters, roll on by
and I slowly realise I've completely and utterly blown it
Guru Padmasambhava Invocation Hill
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Lessons in Life
48. Prime of life, or past the prime, I don't know. Time for excuses running out. When anger comes it washes over me, so difficult to express to my nearest and dearest, blood runs cold yet at the same time hot...
What is it this mind? These thoughts which hound me, continually telling me that whatever I do is not good enough? Where does it live? In my brain? In my heart? Or is it outside hovering over me like a phantom? So much of what I do is done on the pretext of running away from my self.
Get up in the morning and sit in meditation. All is fine...singing of the birds, heat of the glorious sun on my face, aches and movements in my body; just areas of heat and density in a mass of space. So easy to stay cool in that situation. So safe. But as the day goes on and things come along which don't fit into my plan I can find it hard to take. Then the plan itself of course is an inherently weak one if it is unable to stand one or two jolts which necessitate some kind of re-arrangement. If instead of adapting, I get overwhelmed by hopeless feelings that it is all breaking down, then what kind of plan is that? What kind of outlook is it that is unable to accommodate unexpected events coming along which require things getting changed around? If the plan is unable to accommodate and instead causes my mind to react with anger and frustration, to become bombarded with negative thoughts which centre around the perception that the world is out to get me, then the plan, the outlook, the way I think things should be is quite plainly mistaken. I have to go back again and again to hammer this simple fact into me.
Mind - outlook - plan of how things should be - circumstances arising which don't fit into the plan - result? - Anger and frustration. Conclusion? Plan is wrong!
It is mistaken to want things to be on your side. Ultimately all is on your side, whatever the circumstances are that you find yourself in, things are good for you. But we are not dealing with ultimates when we are in the flesh and blood of course, the day to day. In these situations...it is these situations I need to figure out so that I am able to face them without wanting to run away, without allowing my mind to become filled with hopeless thoughts of escape. (The walk by the sea, oh how sweet that would be with those warm summer breezes blowing on my face, and the distant ships with strange cargoes hanging on the horizon). Without allowing my mind to be overwhelmed with emotions that push me towards noose visions, towards visions of just kicking and punching my way out of whatever situation I find myself in.
I have to hammer it in.
I have to constantly meditate on these things.
I have to control my mind and come out facing things in the cold light of day and accept things as they are. Got to constantly think on those things. Retain awareness when those thoughts and feelings come along which get me hating who I am, which make me want to throw in the towel, which get me looking at the lives of others and wishing that I was them. Feelings that always make me think that other lives are somehow all going in the right direction and they are doing all that needs to be done to ensure that one day they will step into the light and never have to look back from then on.
Must generate some more of the capacity to reflect on what I have and to appreciate the richness that is already there in my life. To carry on with the meditation no matter what, to not be discouraged, even though I meditate every day and the peace I can feel when sitting in my little room with the Buddhas in front of me so rarely carries forward to the circumstances of my daily life...oh yes, how the peace so easily evaporates. Then in the cold light of day it is so easy to experience conflict in my mind; people saying or doing things which I don't agree with, then immediately getting overwhelmed with feelings of anger, sheer anger and rage towards them. Sunk down in feelings of bitter negativity towards life in general. I have to carry on, even though what I have just described is mainly the experience level I have to endure.
I live in the city, full of noise. I work in the city, in a job that now causes great stress, due to the economic conditions we all find ourselves in. I must still allow myself holiday time that isn't necessarily holiday time in the sense of being on holiday sitting on a beach somewhere and sunning myself. No, the holiday I am referring to must be a mental holiday which is what I think I can provide for myself when doing meditation. Yes, I know that it is possible because I have experienced it, I just haven't experienced it enough. I haven't experienced it enough in those times when I am in my little room sittin' in front of the Buddhas for that same peace to make itself available to me when I am living and working through the course of my day.
When circumstances arise which are unpleasant, which are disagreeable, I still too often react inside with feelings of misery, and those feelings then generate thoughts which feel like they come from the core of my heart and which tell me that I need to make serious changes in my life if I am to find any degree of happiness. Yes, that is the usual result of those circumstances arising. I am very very rarely able to accommodate them in a way which I can relax with them, just let them be. There are just too many thoughts in my mind compelling me to do something, to do anything, to try to change the circumstances into more pleasant ones, or more often than not I just want to make them go away and for them to never darken my doorway ever again. Again and again I have to learn to come back to the point of irritation and just allow it to be, especially if it is out of my control to change it. By letting the situation just be it may be the case that those noose visions I contiunally have when I imagine jacking it all in once and for all, legs swinging in the air, will fade away. Must let the situations be, so those visions fade. Must bring the patience that I have to find in my meditation into my daily life, more often bring that patience from meditation into daily life.
So often in meditation I have to sit with discomfort, some mild kind of pain and somehow I sit through it, can keep it together long enough not to loose sight of the concentration object, either the in and out breath through my nostrils or the rise and fall of my belly. I can do all that when I meditate and it takes patience, the continual coming back to square one. Time and time again sweeping the floor of my mind so to speak; being there again and again as if right back at the beginning. Must apply the same degree of patience to my life, the irritating situations are always going to come along, in fact at the moment at this particular time of my life, my 48th year, they seem to be coming along more often and at greater speed than usual, faster than ever before in fact.
So many situations at the moment which knock me back, reduce my mind to thoughts of bitterness at the circumstances of my life. Well, if that is the lesson then that is the lesson. There is no way to have control over the run of events, no point in wasting time wishing I was a manipulator of clouds or some crazy thing like that. Better to just go back into them again and again, those circumstances those situations, as bravely as I can. To try to work them out even if the cause is hopeless. It is never written in stone anywhere that the circumstances demand that I feel miserable and that, bereft of patience, I lash out at those closest to me in order to dump some of my misery on them. There is nothing written that that has to be what happens.
What is it this mind? These thoughts which hound me, continually telling me that whatever I do is not good enough? Where does it live? In my brain? In my heart? Or is it outside hovering over me like a phantom? So much of what I do is done on the pretext of running away from my self.
Get up in the morning and sit in meditation. All is fine...singing of the birds, heat of the glorious sun on my face, aches and movements in my body; just areas of heat and density in a mass of space. So easy to stay cool in that situation. So safe. But as the day goes on and things come along which don't fit into my plan I can find it hard to take. Then the plan itself of course is an inherently weak one if it is unable to stand one or two jolts which necessitate some kind of re-arrangement. If instead of adapting, I get overwhelmed by hopeless feelings that it is all breaking down, then what kind of plan is that? What kind of outlook is it that is unable to accommodate unexpected events coming along which require things getting changed around? If the plan is unable to accommodate and instead causes my mind to react with anger and frustration, to become bombarded with negative thoughts which centre around the perception that the world is out to get me, then the plan, the outlook, the way I think things should be is quite plainly mistaken. I have to go back again and again to hammer this simple fact into me.
Mind - outlook - plan of how things should be - circumstances arising which don't fit into the plan - result? - Anger and frustration. Conclusion? Plan is wrong!
It is mistaken to want things to be on your side. Ultimately all is on your side, whatever the circumstances are that you find yourself in, things are good for you. But we are not dealing with ultimates when we are in the flesh and blood of course, the day to day. In these situations...it is these situations I need to figure out so that I am able to face them without wanting to run away, without allowing my mind to become filled with hopeless thoughts of escape. (The walk by the sea, oh how sweet that would be with those warm summer breezes blowing on my face, and the distant ships with strange cargoes hanging on the horizon). Without allowing my mind to be overwhelmed with emotions that push me towards noose visions, towards visions of just kicking and punching my way out of whatever situation I find myself in.
I have to hammer it in.
I have to constantly meditate on these things.
I have to control my mind and come out facing things in the cold light of day and accept things as they are. Got to constantly think on those things. Retain awareness when those thoughts and feelings come along which get me hating who I am, which make me want to throw in the towel, which get me looking at the lives of others and wishing that I was them. Feelings that always make me think that other lives are somehow all going in the right direction and they are doing all that needs to be done to ensure that one day they will step into the light and never have to look back from then on.
Must generate some more of the capacity to reflect on what I have and to appreciate the richness that is already there in my life. To carry on with the meditation no matter what, to not be discouraged, even though I meditate every day and the peace I can feel when sitting in my little room with the Buddhas in front of me so rarely carries forward to the circumstances of my daily life...oh yes, how the peace so easily evaporates. Then in the cold light of day it is so easy to experience conflict in my mind; people saying or doing things which I don't agree with, then immediately getting overwhelmed with feelings of anger, sheer anger and rage towards them. Sunk down in feelings of bitter negativity towards life in general. I have to carry on, even though what I have just described is mainly the experience level I have to endure.
I live in the city, full of noise. I work in the city, in a job that now causes great stress, due to the economic conditions we all find ourselves in. I must still allow myself holiday time that isn't necessarily holiday time in the sense of being on holiday sitting on a beach somewhere and sunning myself. No, the holiday I am referring to must be a mental holiday which is what I think I can provide for myself when doing meditation. Yes, I know that it is possible because I have experienced it, I just haven't experienced it enough. I haven't experienced it enough in those times when I am in my little room sittin' in front of the Buddhas for that same peace to make itself available to me when I am living and working through the course of my day.
When circumstances arise which are unpleasant, which are disagreeable, I still too often react inside with feelings of misery, and those feelings then generate thoughts which feel like they come from the core of my heart and which tell me that I need to make serious changes in my life if I am to find any degree of happiness. Yes, that is the usual result of those circumstances arising. I am very very rarely able to accommodate them in a way which I can relax with them, just let them be. There are just too many thoughts in my mind compelling me to do something, to do anything, to try to change the circumstances into more pleasant ones, or more often than not I just want to make them go away and for them to never darken my doorway ever again. Again and again I have to learn to come back to the point of irritation and just allow it to be, especially if it is out of my control to change it. By letting the situation just be it may be the case that those noose visions I contiunally have when I imagine jacking it all in once and for all, legs swinging in the air, will fade away. Must let the situations be, so those visions fade. Must bring the patience that I have to find in my meditation into my daily life, more often bring that patience from meditation into daily life.
So often in meditation I have to sit with discomfort, some mild kind of pain and somehow I sit through it, can keep it together long enough not to loose sight of the concentration object, either the in and out breath through my nostrils or the rise and fall of my belly. I can do all that when I meditate and it takes patience, the continual coming back to square one. Time and time again sweeping the floor of my mind so to speak; being there again and again as if right back at the beginning. Must apply the same degree of patience to my life, the irritating situations are always going to come along, in fact at the moment at this particular time of my life, my 48th year, they seem to be coming along more often and at greater speed than usual, faster than ever before in fact.
So many situations at the moment which knock me back, reduce my mind to thoughts of bitterness at the circumstances of my life. Well, if that is the lesson then that is the lesson. There is no way to have control over the run of events, no point in wasting time wishing I was a manipulator of clouds or some crazy thing like that. Better to just go back into them again and again, those circumstances those situations, as bravely as I can. To try to work them out even if the cause is hopeless. It is never written in stone anywhere that the circumstances demand that I feel miserable and that, bereft of patience, I lash out at those closest to me in order to dump some of my misery on them. There is nothing written that that has to be what happens.
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