Ruff an' tumble days. Sittin' meditation on the rise belly, fall belly like wading through mud at the moment. No particular inspiration comin' on through. No problem about that though... when it is drizzling and the skies are full of cloud you know the clear sunny an' blue skies are already there...but my body is kinda heavy, not quite firin' on all cylinders, maybe shades o' pig bug are stalkin'.
Zen says just sit, aint no place to go, just sit. What are your motives? What are you tryin' to do? Just sit. It is the same as what you usually do, only the sound is turned up a little as you go into the silence. Sittin' an' bein', just sit, don't think you are gonna get anywhere or earn points for good behaviour. Earnin' of points aint the point, the sittin' is the point. Aint no difference either between me sittin' on the rise belly, fall belly an' Tamdin lying asleep in the room next door. Both of us doin' the natural thing to do an' aint no one is better than no other.
Sittin' goin' into the mountains of yer mind; lovin' the rise the belly, fall belly breath o' the Buddha as it fills yer heart...it is the only place yer wanna be. The expectation of the next breath makes fills yer life up, how can yer possibly waste all that precious energy thinkin' about gettin' a new car or going on a holiday to the sun? The illusion that those kinda things are gonna make yer happy an' are gonna fill yer life with bliss an' contentment is the illusion bitten into by the spiritual blind. Jus' aint gonna be. Those things don't even come close to the bliss inner yer can get from the rise belly, fall belly.
Wading through the mud that is how I said it is at the moment and there is some truth in that but that don't take away the love I have in any degree whatsoever. In the mud sits the lotus and on a lotus the Buddha sparked. Ain't no sparks for me at the moment I'll be the first to admit, jus' the sound o' da birds singin', but I'll keep on pluggin' away 'coz in the sittin is the lovin' aint no doubt about that.
Guru Padmasambhava Invocation Hill
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Glimpses
Gunnin' thru' da good an' da bad, sometimes ya jus' gotta do it. Sometimes ya jus' gotta sit there an' take yer punishment...
Fast movin' clouds, what strange shapes they are! Night clouds floatin' across the sky above the garden, portents of future times to come an' they give me visions of runnin' from the coast 'coz the water is too high, too much, too damn unstoppable.
Mornin' coffee, sittin' in the living room with my wife Tamdin. Beautiful consciousness! Feel the sands of time drippin'; what has gone will never come again, so precious, so human, so Planet Earth. Drinkin' the coffee an' seeing more clouds in the sky above me only this time they are below me 'coz these clouds are nuthin' more than reflections in the glass top table which we rest our coffee cups on.
There is a depth to the skies this morning, like smoke signals from the place of inexhaustible action. Clouds float across a backdrop of a cosmic bed swathed in shades of blue an' white, mapping the unknowable. Deeper an' deeper, into the upside down space I go. Wish it could last forever, this state of mind.
The rustle of the leaves on the tree outside the window, the warm air of July in London, that throat lumpin' sense of speedin' through the mystery, only to leave trails that fast disappear into nuthin'.
Fast movin' clouds, what strange shapes they are! Night clouds floatin' across the sky above the garden, portents of future times to come an' they give me visions of runnin' from the coast 'coz the water is too high, too much, too damn unstoppable.
Mornin' coffee, sittin' in the living room with my wife Tamdin. Beautiful consciousness! Feel the sands of time drippin'; what has gone will never come again, so precious, so human, so Planet Earth. Drinkin' the coffee an' seeing more clouds in the sky above me only this time they are below me 'coz these clouds are nuthin' more than reflections in the glass top table which we rest our coffee cups on.
There is a depth to the skies this morning, like smoke signals from the place of inexhaustible action. Clouds float across a backdrop of a cosmic bed swathed in shades of blue an' white, mapping the unknowable. Deeper an' deeper, into the upside down space I go. Wish it could last forever, this state of mind.
The rustle of the leaves on the tree outside the window, the warm air of July in London, that throat lumpin' sense of speedin' through the mystery, only to leave trails that fast disappear into nuthin'.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Ambassador for the Empty Incredible
Friday eve, comin' up to mid July, end of another workin' week dahn in de old East End o' London. Another crop circle been posted on the Net, a Mayan headress carved outta green in deepest Wilstshire - look out 2012 21/12 'coz according to a bit o' de old Mayan astro calc that is when it is all gonna kick off big time as far as de ole Armageddeo goes...we shall see, ya?
Tamdin away tonight so some time to write. For one reason or another been kinda busy over the last week, 10 days or so, and one of the things that has meant is that I ain't seemed to have had much time to get to the Sit Place an' do some meditation. Yeah, yeah I know - all is meditation, all is meditation, so what is all this differentiation between this an' that punk? An' well, ya know how it is in the books, masters say it is easy to make excuses an' that we will always invent tons of things we think we have to do in order to avoid reality on the cushion. Maybe true, maybe not. Jus' a fact that life is busy sometimes.
Last weekend, guests in the house and all that, as well as a party for local Tibetans which kinda went on long into the hot night, and it meant that catching up this week saw me dog tired in the evenings, sleeping like a log 9 times out of 10 as soon as I hit the sack, but also not able to get up that early. Managed to do the basic rounds of mantras most days but that has been it. Mantras, strings of words to pull ya to the Buddhas, kinda love 'em I've gotta say an' hardly ever feel bad after I have sat and said mantras. Fantastic, evolved outta the minds of great beings and I got all mine from the Fourteenth Dalai Lama of Tibet which if ya really think about is absolutely unbelievably incredible - fact!!
Not much rise belly fall belly though, not much chance to have a taste of the empty incredible. Maybe will try later tonite if the energy levels allow, will know pretty much as soon as I sit down 'coz if I'm tired the hot patches of unresolved pyscho-muscular tension will be there in my back an' neck. They will feel too thick, there will be too much heat to sit through. Kinda knocks on the head a bit this idea I have or like to give that I lead a life seeped in meditation - that is just a great big joke! My regular expressions of vulnerability and bewilderment that you see on these pages only confirm that.
Thing on the news at the moment about a 49 year old teacher who cracked in front of his class and smacked one of his kids round the head with some hard kinda of object so hard the kid was decked and now the teacher is up for attempted murder. Lost it in a second, smack, kid on the floor covered in blood, nightmare begins. Could be me if the things in my life ever unravel like I sometimes fear they will. Just gotta keep going I guess, what else is there to do?
Try my best, try my best to keep cool but sometimes I realise how drastically under equipped I am to deal with situations which life can throw at me. "'Ere ya go Philbo take a hold o' that one and let's see what ya can do ya cun'!" Just sit there behind my desk sometimes, in the corner of the office waiting for the big one, waiting for that piece of news to come along that is gonna knock me sideways, send me into the waters gulpin' gulpin', tryin' to reach up for air as I slowly or not so slowly go under. Feelings yeah! Oh man, feelings, feelings, we are creatures of feeling but the trick is how to handle them, how to ride them and not fall off. Don't mean tricks in the magic sense although maybe I kinda do...jus' dunno; I mean risin' to the challenge, fixin' on the duty of stayin' awake, whatever it is to keep my head up to keep a sense of dignity if it is at all possible.
So may times in the course of the day it can feel like I am throwin' my dignity away, just by the way I react to other people, by the way I react to the things they say, in the way I handle the disappointment of seeing people behaving in ways which don't conform to my expectations. Only fault in that is the limited world view I believe in; that makes me think all of the constructs of that view are true. Small eyed world views only ever lead to pain. If ya can see the big picture, then whatever comes along can be accommodated because your visions is vast and there is space for everyone and everything within that vision to do exactly as they please.
Just the other day was saying to Robert as we rode in the car down the road from Cambridge, through the crazy Gog Magog hills in fact, that the secret to bein' a great teacher to others was to let people see just how much you are in love with life and how you just can't get enough of this reality. This love will then permeate the atmoshpere and leave others wanting a taste of it as well, yeah a taste of the good stuff which makes ya wanna live life for ever an' ever... That is the goal, that is the way to bring the message of the empty incredible to others. If ya can't do that then it is jus' words, jus' talking, talking; walkin' the walk but nah nah nah not in any kinda way struttin' ya stuff! Jus' words spoutin', lessons given but all within a feelin' of grey, of black an' white instead of bein' within the luminous wash of the empty incredible where the invsible light of the indescribable eats up anything and everything.
How! How!
Um big heap lovable
life situation 'tis goin on 'ere!!
How! How!
Um big heap possible
Ya gotta be able to make things go like puff!!
Go like something that people may go
"Oh mah goggle, 'e got the stuff o' da empty incredible!!"
Tamdin away tonight so some time to write. For one reason or another been kinda busy over the last week, 10 days or so, and one of the things that has meant is that I ain't seemed to have had much time to get to the Sit Place an' do some meditation. Yeah, yeah I know - all is meditation, all is meditation, so what is all this differentiation between this an' that punk? An' well, ya know how it is in the books, masters say it is easy to make excuses an' that we will always invent tons of things we think we have to do in order to avoid reality on the cushion. Maybe true, maybe not. Jus' a fact that life is busy sometimes.
Last weekend, guests in the house and all that, as well as a party for local Tibetans which kinda went on long into the hot night, and it meant that catching up this week saw me dog tired in the evenings, sleeping like a log 9 times out of 10 as soon as I hit the sack, but also not able to get up that early. Managed to do the basic rounds of mantras most days but that has been it. Mantras, strings of words to pull ya to the Buddhas, kinda love 'em I've gotta say an' hardly ever feel bad after I have sat and said mantras. Fantastic, evolved outta the minds of great beings and I got all mine from the Fourteenth Dalai Lama of Tibet which if ya really think about is absolutely unbelievably incredible - fact!!
Not much rise belly fall belly though, not much chance to have a taste of the empty incredible. Maybe will try later tonite if the energy levels allow, will know pretty much as soon as I sit down 'coz if I'm tired the hot patches of unresolved pyscho-muscular tension will be there in my back an' neck. They will feel too thick, there will be too much heat to sit through. Kinda knocks on the head a bit this idea I have or like to give that I lead a life seeped in meditation - that is just a great big joke! My regular expressions of vulnerability and bewilderment that you see on these pages only confirm that.
Thing on the news at the moment about a 49 year old teacher who cracked in front of his class and smacked one of his kids round the head with some hard kinda of object so hard the kid was decked and now the teacher is up for attempted murder. Lost it in a second, smack, kid on the floor covered in blood, nightmare begins. Could be me if the things in my life ever unravel like I sometimes fear they will. Just gotta keep going I guess, what else is there to do?
Try my best, try my best to keep cool but sometimes I realise how drastically under equipped I am to deal with situations which life can throw at me. "'Ere ya go Philbo take a hold o' that one and let's see what ya can do ya cun'!" Just sit there behind my desk sometimes, in the corner of the office waiting for the big one, waiting for that piece of news to come along that is gonna knock me sideways, send me into the waters gulpin' gulpin', tryin' to reach up for air as I slowly or not so slowly go under. Feelings yeah! Oh man, feelings, feelings, we are creatures of feeling but the trick is how to handle them, how to ride them and not fall off. Don't mean tricks in the magic sense although maybe I kinda do...jus' dunno; I mean risin' to the challenge, fixin' on the duty of stayin' awake, whatever it is to keep my head up to keep a sense of dignity if it is at all possible.
So may times in the course of the day it can feel like I am throwin' my dignity away, just by the way I react to other people, by the way I react to the things they say, in the way I handle the disappointment of seeing people behaving in ways which don't conform to my expectations. Only fault in that is the limited world view I believe in; that makes me think all of the constructs of that view are true. Small eyed world views only ever lead to pain. If ya can see the big picture, then whatever comes along can be accommodated because your visions is vast and there is space for everyone and everything within that vision to do exactly as they please.
Just the other day was saying to Robert as we rode in the car down the road from Cambridge, through the crazy Gog Magog hills in fact, that the secret to bein' a great teacher to others was to let people see just how much you are in love with life and how you just can't get enough of this reality. This love will then permeate the atmoshpere and leave others wanting a taste of it as well, yeah a taste of the good stuff which makes ya wanna live life for ever an' ever... That is the goal, that is the way to bring the message of the empty incredible to others. If ya can't do that then it is jus' words, jus' talking, talking; walkin' the walk but nah nah nah not in any kinda way struttin' ya stuff! Jus' words spoutin', lessons given but all within a feelin' of grey, of black an' white instead of bein' within the luminous wash of the empty incredible where the invsible light of the indescribable eats up anything and everything.
How! How!
Um big heap lovable
life situation 'tis goin on 'ere!!
How! How!
Um big heap possible
Ya gotta be able to make things go like puff!!
Go like something that people may go
"Oh mah goggle, 'e got the stuff o' da empty incredible!!"
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Suicide Alley
All these crazy thoughts of doing myself in, where do they come from these visions of sin? Feels like my head is a punch ball full of gunk, a skull puffed up like a jackass dandy, skunked rotten...
Life and all contingencies can so easily seem like they have got the better of me and the only thoughts which provide solace are thoughts of oblivion, those thoughts of goin' off into the big dark an' saying goodbye to everyone and everything. Thing is, more life goes on more I realise I am on my own when it comes to dealing with my own mental continuum. As I get older the more difficult I find it is to bring out the inner pain that life causes, to make it explainable to others, to make it make sense to others without them giving me scary looks because they are scared and unsettled about whatever it is that I am trying to explain. Guess the fact is that in my inner way of thinkin' it all makes sense but when I try to speak those feelings in words, even to myself, then I stumble and whatever it is that I really want to say does not come out. Maybe that is why people get so frustrated about what they feel inside that they are driven to means of expression through physical action, and then as a consequence negative events occur - like murder, like self harm, like muder, murder, murder.
It is one of the paradoxes of life that you just have to accept as time goes on. The inner gets bigger and bigger, the inner pain gets ever more tender...you see the missed opportunities for sensitivity and understanding, and the means of correct expression get ever more narrow. The gap through which you have to try to squeeze, slowly but surely closes, gets closer and closer togtether. Brings on feelings of claustrophobia and inner doom. Flattens the options of possible relief and leaves you stuck in the mud of emotions that signify a whole hearted weariness with life. The false hopes you have that things will get better turn into sick jokes as life continues on, relentlessly showing you that quite clearly things are not getting better at all and that what you thought was bad in the past will only seem like heaven in ther future to come.
Life and all contingencies can so easily seem like they have got the better of me and the only thoughts which provide solace are thoughts of oblivion, those thoughts of goin' off into the big dark an' saying goodbye to everyone and everything. Thing is, more life goes on more I realise I am on my own when it comes to dealing with my own mental continuum. As I get older the more difficult I find it is to bring out the inner pain that life causes, to make it explainable to others, to make it make sense to others without them giving me scary looks because they are scared and unsettled about whatever it is that I am trying to explain. Guess the fact is that in my inner way of thinkin' it all makes sense but when I try to speak those feelings in words, even to myself, then I stumble and whatever it is that I really want to say does not come out. Maybe that is why people get so frustrated about what they feel inside that they are driven to means of expression through physical action, and then as a consequence negative events occur - like murder, like self harm, like muder, murder, murder.
It is one of the paradoxes of life that you just have to accept as time goes on. The inner gets bigger and bigger, the inner pain gets ever more tender...you see the missed opportunities for sensitivity and understanding, and the means of correct expression get ever more narrow. The gap through which you have to try to squeeze, slowly but surely closes, gets closer and closer togtether. Brings on feelings of claustrophobia and inner doom. Flattens the options of possible relief and leaves you stuck in the mud of emotions that signify a whole hearted weariness with life. The false hopes you have that things will get better turn into sick jokes as life continues on, relentlessly showing you that quite clearly things are not getting better at all and that what you thought was bad in the past will only seem like heaven in ther future to come.
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Skeleton Days
It's an oil riggin' doggone deal, ya know sometimes I just feel like a jackass dandy, doin' the things I do in my life jus' to get by...
Heat has arrived an' people are scratchin' around in the sun, there should be no complaints about the weather this time although there will be, some folks lookin' hot, some lookin' flustered, wobbling along with hands holding ice creams, big ones.
Skeleton life
skeleton hands, figure it out
skeleton fingers beneath this flesh
skeleton faces, skeleton heads
an' all the junk that covers them
skeleton teeth havin' a skeleton chat
chewin' the fat about this an' that
lookin' at the reelin' sun
bangin' on an infinity drum
Me, sometimes it feels my life is nada. No children to pass on my skeleton juice an' skeleton blood to, an' any life trails of these crazy kinda thoughts that I have. Nah man, for me there ain't no genetix, jus' the everyday tramp an' sludge thru' the mud of tryin' to stay on the straight an' narrow.
I do the rise belly, fall belly whenever I can. Mornings are better, mornings are bliss even; when the joss smoke swirls up in the bright mornin' sunlight an' the body is rested from the fresh tomb of sleep. Later in the day can be tougher. If you are workin' in the day then the early evenin' hours mean that Knots of tension can appear in the muscles an' flesh, serious knots of tension, fizzin' in the blood, hard to break down. There can be hot streaks an' tightening patches running along my neck an' back, meditating on them can kinda bring water to my eyes unless I give them the space they need an' that means I have to pay full attention.
All this flesh bumble junk upon skeleton! Sometimes meditatin' can suprise me, sometimes later in the day it is better than earlier on. The body can be lighter than what it is usually is an' I can go quickly to the attention spheres on the rise belly fall belly, when there is that and I & I is one I end up smilin'.
I jus' meditate every day. Sometimes it ain't great but that don't mattter. Good an' bad all the same to me. What is bad is good and what is good is bad so don't ever waste your time on short term perceptions of what is and what is not 'coz we are all on a rollin' river of unknowin' when it comes to that.
Ya jus' sit with ya rise belly, fall belly, an' ya tune into the Empty Incredible if ya can. Train in the distance, the birdsongs, the dustman on the path below the window, an' me in the Sit Place - all one.
The thoughts that rise up from outta the invisible mind lines of the Empty Incredible can then be properly meditated upon. All is jus' unbelievable when things go like that, who would have thought life turns out to be this strange? Jus' remember to embrace the other side jus' as openly, the side that crumbles 'coz you are so bound down with thoughts an' feelings, crumbles so that is is as much as you can do to drag yourself to the Sit Place, an' it feels like ya body jus' can't take it.
there is no good an' there is no bad
ya meditation just is
ain't nuthin' special to it, so jus' do it
days of ease, days of struggle - so what?
There is pain after the fantasy bursts of thinkin' you have broken through to the plateau of no worries ever again anymore. There ain't no breaking through in meditation for a ghost like me, jus' amplification. Ya jus' do it, make it a part of your life. Feel the incredible sensation of air blowin' in through ya nose breakin' into ya system second afer second; minute, minute on and on. Drawn down into ya body an' then punched back out again, it's a pow an' wow shout into the void of eternal.
Observe those whirlin' thoughts when ya first sit down, an' watch them slow. Space appears and in that space meditate your emotions, meditate your fears, meditate the embarrasment, meditate those thoughts of failure of what you have done with your life, meditate those thoughts of pride, meditate on an' on. Meditate until they have all been eaten an' then ya rise incredible. Full of the energy o' da good stuff that no one can explain.
Skeleton load bearer beneath the sun, stretchin' your arms, your muscles an' sinews, looking back down on infinity avenue...
Heat has arrived an' people are scratchin' around in the sun, there should be no complaints about the weather this time although there will be, some folks lookin' hot, some lookin' flustered, wobbling along with hands holding ice creams, big ones.
Skeleton life
skeleton hands, figure it out
skeleton fingers beneath this flesh
skeleton faces, skeleton heads
an' all the junk that covers them
skeleton teeth havin' a skeleton chat
chewin' the fat about this an' that
lookin' at the reelin' sun
bangin' on an infinity drum
Me, sometimes it feels my life is nada. No children to pass on my skeleton juice an' skeleton blood to, an' any life trails of these crazy kinda thoughts that I have. Nah man, for me there ain't no genetix, jus' the everyday tramp an' sludge thru' the mud of tryin' to stay on the straight an' narrow.
I do the rise belly, fall belly whenever I can. Mornings are better, mornings are bliss even; when the joss smoke swirls up in the bright mornin' sunlight an' the body is rested from the fresh tomb of sleep. Later in the day can be tougher. If you are workin' in the day then the early evenin' hours mean that Knots of tension can appear in the muscles an' flesh, serious knots of tension, fizzin' in the blood, hard to break down. There can be hot streaks an' tightening patches running along my neck an' back, meditating on them can kinda bring water to my eyes unless I give them the space they need an' that means I have to pay full attention.
All this flesh bumble junk upon skeleton! Sometimes meditatin' can suprise me, sometimes later in the day it is better than earlier on. The body can be lighter than what it is usually is an' I can go quickly to the attention spheres on the rise belly fall belly, when there is that and I & I is one I end up smilin'.
I jus' meditate every day. Sometimes it ain't great but that don't mattter. Good an' bad all the same to me. What is bad is good and what is good is bad so don't ever waste your time on short term perceptions of what is and what is not 'coz we are all on a rollin' river of unknowin' when it comes to that.
Ya jus' sit with ya rise belly, fall belly, an' ya tune into the Empty Incredible if ya can. Train in the distance, the birdsongs, the dustman on the path below the window, an' me in the Sit Place - all one.
The thoughts that rise up from outta the invisible mind lines of the Empty Incredible can then be properly meditated upon. All is jus' unbelievable when things go like that, who would have thought life turns out to be this strange? Jus' remember to embrace the other side jus' as openly, the side that crumbles 'coz you are so bound down with thoughts an' feelings, crumbles so that is is as much as you can do to drag yourself to the Sit Place, an' it feels like ya body jus' can't take it.
there is no good an' there is no bad
ya meditation just is
ain't nuthin' special to it, so jus' do it
days of ease, days of struggle - so what?
There is pain after the fantasy bursts of thinkin' you have broken through to the plateau of no worries ever again anymore. There ain't no breaking through in meditation for a ghost like me, jus' amplification. Ya jus' do it, make it a part of your life. Feel the incredible sensation of air blowin' in through ya nose breakin' into ya system second afer second; minute, minute on and on. Drawn down into ya body an' then punched back out again, it's a pow an' wow shout into the void of eternal.
Observe those whirlin' thoughts when ya first sit down, an' watch them slow. Space appears and in that space meditate your emotions, meditate your fears, meditate the embarrasment, meditate those thoughts of failure of what you have done with your life, meditate those thoughts of pride, meditate on an' on. Meditate until they have all been eaten an' then ya rise incredible. Full of the energy o' da good stuff that no one can explain.
Skeleton load bearer beneath the sun, stretchin' your arms, your muscles an' sinews, looking back down on infinity avenue...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)