Unwise Firestorm

I am the light fantastic, what burns in me will last forever, changin' & re-arrangin' by the light of a thousand solar seas...infinity lies within, sometimes feels like that, can really feel connected to something that provides an immense source of power. Trouble is with that kinda thinking of course is that you end up turning into some kind of horror show if you are not careful, end up thinking that you are the master of the universe and stuff like that. Don't mean it that way however, just difficult for it to look right I guess.

Last night woke at 4.45 am deep from a dream that I guess was close to being a nightmare although not quite coz it was not a feeling of terror that I had, more like a feeling of dangerous excitement. There were people in the dream and they were falling out of the sky, thrown on the crest of some horrific wave, huge rollin' horrific wave. Falling out of the sky naked and all about my head, I could hear the bodies splat upon the ground, I had to crouch down underneath a stone slab set diagonal to try to protect myself from the falling bodies but still they kept raining down...just when it got to the point where I was certain I was going to be killed I woke up. Panic. Always happen like that doesn't it?

Back to work. Monday, chasing the dime. Have now come to the conclusion there is inherent dissatisfaction in what I do. It is always gonna be the case that there is never enough. However much is sold one week will only lead to you wanting to sell more the next. That is the way I see it and that is the way it is. Craving; the desire to prove, locked into this cycle, forever and forever, ain't never gonna stop. Targets that you set yourself, and for what? Where is it all going to go? We are in the here and now, is that not enough? No chance! What am i doing this for? So that one day I will have enough money so that I can go and retire on some golden island full of bliss? No, don't think so. What is it that motivates me to get up everyday and go chasing the dime? Mystery.

All those times in the office I feel anger and frustration when things don't go right. I can feel it, can breathe it deep down into my lungs... anger, frustration dissatisfaction, never get to that point where I can close my eyes with a feeling of contentment and say to myself, well, that is enough, time to move onto to something else, something new. Point is of course that I don't really have that much else to move on to. Think we have been here before, going over this kind of ground. Locked up for the rest of my life in this occupation. All those things we buy and sell, books on Buddhism, supposed to make you feel nice, or not nice exactly but supposed to at least bring you to the point where you are a better person, where you become a better person. Am i anywhere near close to that? You gotta be joking. Just got to keep my eye on the ball and the eye on the ball in this particular instance means that really it does not matter what my feelings are; feelings are feelings, emotion is emotion. No point in feeling bad about them whatever they are. No point in lashing myself over the head with that little voice goin' "well asshole what else did you expect from doing what you do?" Far better, if at all possible to let those feelings come and go however ugly they might be, however uncomfortable, watch them sail across the mirror of the mind...star struck, sun-speckled...they do of course fade away and get replaced by other feelings...should know that by now.

So easy to get completely hung up on the idea that all should be peace an' light due to the simple fact that we are buying and selling Buddhist books, that somehow the material of those books should rub off on us. It is an illusion. Let us be clear, none of us in the office or the warehouse at work are ever going to be able to present ourselves in front of a bunch of other people and be able to offer them anything useful in the way of advice as to what to do with their lives in terms of Buddhism or meditation. No, when it comes to that kinda situation then we at Wisdom Books are spiritual midgets. Nuthin' wrong with midgets mind, just small. Basically I think it is as much as we can do sometimes from keeping the hole thing from exploding in out faces. Work, Wisdom, Buddhism, work, bills, money...why? We are all so sick and tired of each other deep down, underneath, that if we each were placed at a crossroads on a vast and empty plain, told to walk in different directions and to never look back then I am sure that is exactly what we would do.

We have all been at work way too long in terms of the number of years it has taken out of our lives. Now we are all too old to ever be able to go out and find any decent alternatives, not that there was ever much chance of that anyway. So we hang on now until the bitter end. Somehow managin' to still put up with to greater or lesser degree our peculiarities and other weird characteristics; the anger of one colleague, the constant arrogant restlessness of another who sits there at his computer and talks to himself whilst thinkin' he is a master of the universe, the lies and laziness of another. Somehow we accommodate all this and keep on going, but it is not brave and there is no honour in it, more it is just what we do because we are too chicken, too feckless to come right out with what we might actually be feeling.

What we should be doin' is saying to the other person in an open and honest way..."look, this is what you fucking well do to me with your behaviour, the shit that pours from outta yer mouth, would you please stop it because is is destroying me! Really, you must know just how so fucking painful it is to be with you!!"... no, there really is none of that. We simply do not have the capacity to address these issues in a way which would avoid the whole sorry thing from exploding in our faces. There is a question of how much it is the other person and how much it is oneself, we can never be sure of course unless we Buddha wake up, and if that is the case then how far do we let things ride for the sake of company harmony? Good question. I know myself that there are many, many things i see in the daily behaviour of my colleagues that I just can't stand and which makes me sick but I keep most of it in, don't let it out because I know that if i did I would be on a hidin' to nothing and that it would all end in tears, floods of hatred, objects smashed. So there we go, the merry ship, all of us wrapped in work, hungry for the work to keep comin', worried like shit that the whole meanin' of our lives would disappear without it. Like being in an institution. A madhouse really. One day it will end for sure and I am sure it will not be a pretty end... that is written in the stars. Until then we carry on with our sentence, on and on we row until we are eaten up by the monsters.

where are we?
here we are
nuthin' much changed
far as i can see
same dream
same breath comin'
in an' outta
my big fat mouth

struggle is nature
twist an' turn
accommodate
an' don't fall
outta the tree -
stone nose
simplify
yer rose patch!