Random thoughts, idle jots...who knows where they will lead? Nowhere probably I guess. Just about to book a ticket to go out to India. Yes, India again. Think I have been there pretty much every year since 2000. That's the way it goes. That is just the way the cards have fallen I. Go out there to visit the family, Tamdin's family strictly speaking, but mine as well I guess. Down in the south, the deep south of India. Karnataka. West of Mysore a couple of hours. Still gonna be the hot season down there, hot and sticky but that is OK, maybe hot and sticky is what I need. Beers on the roof again, can't be bad. Head pulled back and looking up at the stars, seeing satellites, sensing the spirits of the country, the deep country of Karnataka. Looking forward to it I guess, in a tired and oh so familiar kind of way. Like I said, been there so many times before. That is just the way the cards have fallen. Some people get to go to the Carribean year in year out, stretch themselves out on beaches made in paradise... or maybe they go up in the mountains skiiing their hearts out amongst all that snow, skiing like pros, skiing like the chosen people. Well I get to do nothing like that, just back and back again to South India where a bunch of Tibetans live in exile, slowly but surely being forgotten by the rest of the world. Being forgotten by themselves even as so many of them now have their heads full of dreams of going to America the land of milk and honey, the 21st century Shambhala in the eyes of the Tibetans where all their dreams will come true. And they might.
What will I do when I get there? Same things as usual; speak a bit of broken Tibetan, hang about on the roof jotting pieces of stuff down in my notebook, spend some time my carefully selected books, do a bit of meditation and that is about it. Rest of the time try not to get too bored and to look completely and utterly lost. Same old deal in other words. Been doing it for so many years now it is almost second nature to me. Oh yes, there will be the usual eating quite a bit of delicious food and drinking beers in the evening time. Nice, no complaints about that. No doubt I will be going through patches of paranoia as well as I think to myself "Shit, here I am the only pale skin with a bunch of Tibetans who are speaking a language I can hardly understand despite the fact I have been coming out to see most years for nearly 20 years. What went wrong? Why do I still have so many limitations? Damn strange thing in an unbelievably sad, middle aged already seeing the end of the road pathetic kind of way. I can hardly bring myself to explain how it has come to be. Must be the prayers of others that keeps the whole show on the road. People race past me year after year but here I am still, in the backwaters of life watching the time pass by, slowly but surely losing the energy that I still possess as my face gets fatter and my belly too. What is it that I am supposed to do?
Karma. Feel it now, hard and fast. Only so much one can do without blowing the whole deal apart, leaving things messy, bloody and a sight that no one really wants to see. India, land of exotic dreams for many. Land of pligirmage, land of the multi-headed myriad coloured dream deities who can turn your world inside out. Yes, there is all of that, and then punks like me come along with so little to offer if truth be told, but there you are, it is how it is. Karma. Back to India. Sitting in the car staring out upon the dust, the roadside shacks looking like any minute they will fall over, the fruit stalls...yeah all of that, the signs of life that you pass by all in a blur. Sunsets over the fields and the hills in the distance out to the west, red sun behind them, all of it looking unbelievably beautiful. Turn my head back east and watch the moon rise above the shadows of the holy hill further into the land, brings on all kinds of thoughts in me. Don't know if those thoughts will ever add up to anything. Thoughts of India... better get out my Tibetan notes and brush up yet again, on all those things that I still don't really know even after all this time, ha ha, hee hee. But what else is it that I can do? The consistency year in, year out, that is about the best that I can come up with. Keep on going whilst my health is OK, try to keep the connection with the people. So there you go, that is how it is. I can see it all now. Sitting on the roof with old man Namkha as he drinks his whiskey down and me sipping on a local beer. Complete opposite to those 21st century dreams of the ipod generation, only know the pod is now a pad, but it don't really matter, they would be unable to see the beauty of the basic dust of life even if it rose up and hit them in the face.
Drink it down, this karma, this destiny to do what you have to keep on keeping on. Last year I wrote a bunch of poems when I was there or at least what I thought were poems and I gotta admit I was pretty happy with them. Thought they were good in an oh so modest kind of way. They are there for all to see on Ghost Eternal 2. Maybe same thing will happen again this time round, strike lucky, but lightning don't really ever strike twice. Don't matter as long as I don't up in some kinda scrape which with my profoundly unadventurous spirit is unlikely anyway. Hit the road see a bit of the country if I can. Stare out in wonder, happy briefly, but still as stuck as ever.
Guru Padmasambhava Invocation Hill
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Bob Dylan in China
Guess I'm disappointed with Bob Dylan for recently playing shows in China. Been kidding myself these last few days that by opening those shows with Gonna Change My Way of Thinking he was sending out a deliberate subtle message to the authorities over there that he was on the side of what is right all along. But really the truth of the matter is that that is not the case. He just does not care anymore, has not cared for a long time in fact. The Chinese scrutinised all the possible songs he might have played and told him that it would not be be possible to perform some of them. In other words he let himself be censored. He let the Chinese poke their noses into his business and for the time he was with them to dictate to him what was what. This is one of the most repressive regimes in the world in case we have forgotten. All this at a time when political oppression and human rights abuses by the Chinese are worse than ever. The most obvious example is of course the recent case of the artist Ai Weiwei suddenly disappearing off the face of the earth, but there are countless others as well.
As usual in the middle of this storm and comment Bob Dylan is totally and completely silent about what his thinking and his motives might be by playing these shows. Sometimes silence just is not good enough, it can only get you so far, and this is one of those occasions. For someone who is so closely associated in the minds of so many people with songs of freedom and the upholding of the dignity of human beings it is now extremely sad to see him kow-towing to the Chinese in this way. It can have no other effect than endorse China and its regime of oppression which shows no sign of slowing down, in fact it is getting stronger and stronger.
In real terms he has made no effort whatsoever to be controversial in these shows, he just went out on stage and played a selection of his songs that could in no way be interpreted as challenging anything or anyone. All the time wearing his big hat and saying nothing apart from introducing the band. The only conclusion that I can draw from it all is that for Bob the whole point of going to play in China was simply because it was another place on his list to visit and then to notch down that he had played in. I think it has been a big mistake and he has opened himself up for criticism and ridicule again, maybe like he has done before but somehow different to before because it really is so hard to forgive what he has done this time. China is really not the place to be if you want to go against the authorities and what they say you can and cannot do.
No doubt his reaction to all this if he even bothers to pay attention to it will be to shrug his shoulders and move on to the next place on the road. Fully enclosed in his own world in which he is very much the imperial emperor, and wondering just what all the fuss is about. Well the fuss is about drawing a line in the sand for once and just saying no, I am not going to cross that line. Clearly for Bob the line is not there. What a shame.
As usual in the middle of this storm and comment Bob Dylan is totally and completely silent about what his thinking and his motives might be by playing these shows. Sometimes silence just is not good enough, it can only get you so far, and this is one of those occasions. For someone who is so closely associated in the minds of so many people with songs of freedom and the upholding of the dignity of human beings it is now extremely sad to see him kow-towing to the Chinese in this way. It can have no other effect than endorse China and its regime of oppression which shows no sign of slowing down, in fact it is getting stronger and stronger.
In real terms he has made no effort whatsoever to be controversial in these shows, he just went out on stage and played a selection of his songs that could in no way be interpreted as challenging anything or anyone. All the time wearing his big hat and saying nothing apart from introducing the band. The only conclusion that I can draw from it all is that for Bob the whole point of going to play in China was simply because it was another place on his list to visit and then to notch down that he had played in. I think it has been a big mistake and he has opened himself up for criticism and ridicule again, maybe like he has done before but somehow different to before because it really is so hard to forgive what he has done this time. China is really not the place to be if you want to go against the authorities and what they say you can and cannot do.
No doubt his reaction to all this if he even bothers to pay attention to it will be to shrug his shoulders and move on to the next place on the road. Fully enclosed in his own world in which he is very much the imperial emperor, and wondering just what all the fuss is about. Well the fuss is about drawing a line in the sand for once and just saying no, I am not going to cross that line. Clearly for Bob the line is not there. What a shame.
Tuesday, April 05, 2011
The Struggles of King Basil
All this running around - where has it come and from where do we go?
Creating busyness. Giving ourselves justifcation for carrying on, livin' and breathin' on this earth.
So hard sometimes not to let the feelings overwhelm you. Those negative feelings that leave you under a cloud. The number of times I have wanted to punch someone in the face for not behaving in the way that I want them to is simply uncountable.
Those dreams of being in places that you cannot be - how painful! Of not accepting the reality that has come to pass. Head full of wishes when I look to the sky...useless dreamer.
Seems like I am is where I always was - sitting in my room an' wondering just what the hell it is I am supposed to do with my life. Same old place.
Certainty - apart from death there is none.
Gotta pull myself together. Say the same thing to myself time after time but it don't ever seem to make that much difference.
Will it change, who can tell?
Head full of dreams...wondering down the streets of memory, always thinking I should be somewhere else. Not taking responsiblity of the day to day hard and fast reality of where I am and what I am.
Too many dreams too much desparation. Feel like I'm walking round with a sign on my head which says avoid at all costs... you won't find any joy with me.
Neck hurting, pain in the neck. Pain in the shoulders too. Too much thinking, too much negative thought. This is the price you pay ain't no doubt about that.
Looking for a brighter day...but the brightness don't lie out there, only place it can be found is within. Life is what you make it simple as that. Roll across the heavens banging your drum, roll across the heavens till death comes. That is the way it is.
Don't know why we have to run into such confusion. Don't know why I have to be so overwhelmed with emotion when it is swinging the wrong way. What can be done but drink it down?
It is always gonna come. Don't know if I will ever find that place in the sun. The shadows haunt me and will always haunt me if I sit here thinkin' my lucky break is gonna fall down from outta the sky with me ever doin nuthin'. It don't work like that, simply don't work like that.
Dreamer. Basil is a dreamer. One of the worst if truth be told. Basil just can't stop dreaming thinking all his problems will fade away...
Just ain't gonna happen like that. Don't believe in fairies, don't beleive in magic, don't believe in the sun breaking through from behind the clouds...nuthin like that.
Sitting in my office on a nice warm sunny day and all I can think of is that, shit I'm stuck in Ilford, stinking smelly Ilford, instead of a nice place in the country where the warm breezes blow fresh and there is a peaceful stream at the bottom of the field close and all I'm looking out upon is the green green green grasses of home. No, no, no, not like that at all where I am, here in Ilford and those thoughts of yearning can only make me feel miserable.
When will I stop having this patheic King Basil attitude towards all these things?
Think myself as a Buddhist but really, am i? Fundamental promise of Buddhists is to stay until the end, to be where the worst things are, to be there because others need our help. Don't really feel like that myself I have got to say. Just want to get the hell out of here most of the time, as if it is all just some kind of horrific karmic accident, get the hell out of here and go to where the beautiful people go, where they sun themselves day and night, living the life of ease and leisure. Yeah, I'm a liar to think I can stand all this ugliness when that is where I really want to go.
This is the kind of thinking I have and it naturally makes me suffer. How could it not when like I said the reality is that I am where I am and where I am is Ilford and like I said it aint necessarily pretty, in fact I find it a dirty stinkin' place to have ended up. But it has all been written in the stars and nothing happens in life by accident. There are no mistakes, every step that I have ever taken has led me here.
There are people here who make the best of it so why can't I? Probably there are plenty who are proud of it and might even think it is close to being the best place on earth.
So there is no point in getting down on my knees to pray for the well being of others when I can barely stand to be in the place that I find myself. Is there? Gotta throw out these useless thoughts of ending the life of King Basil. Of disappearing in a puff of smoke, or slowly fading from view like a ship sailing down the river into the red sun of eternity. Just not the best idea. I know that and I know I have to fully and completely comprehend it, otherwise no matter what I do, if it invloces running away in any shape or form, it is only going to make things worse. Still, I might just do it.
Bitterness over where I find myself is no good, it won't help. I know it ain't gonna change things so why feel bitter and twisted with the way things have spun? Gotta learn to be a better King Basil, face up to life with dignity; what it is and where I find myself...find the dignity of a King Basil.
Useless feelings of despair are only going to make me feel more sad. People live and work, are happy and sad under these Ilford skies so why can't I do the same? Be the same?
Guess the danger is acceptance and not fighting at all, but then again why fight? When it is what it is then that is it. Only need to change if it fits and the thoughts I have about change don't really fit, just involve running away or doing myself in or praying that somehow a whole load of money is gonna fall from outta the sky and solve the whole thing, this whole damn question.
It ain't gonna happen baby, it ain't gonna happen, so shape up and see things as what they are and learn the simple fact that nothing is mistaken. If this is where I am then it is where I am for a very good reason. All the previous paths I have taken across uncountable destinies have led me to this place right now. No good thinking it is a quirk of fate, some unlucky, unjust, bizarre accident that should never have occured because, oh my god King Basil you are too beautiful, too precious and too good for this dirty stinkin' ugliness. No way baby, it happens because it has been made by you baby and no one else.
It might sound harsh it might sound cruel but only a fool would try to deny it. Get on with life ya silly old king. Throw those setting sun thoughts out the window cause they ain't gonna do you no good. But that, I know, is so much easier said than done, and when I am sitting here feeling these feelings of complete and utter boredom, misery, despair then I know full well it is so much easier said than done.
Yes, it is a struggle and a struggle that leaves me with little more than a huge lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. So bad that a cool headed person might be driven to think, hey this baby should never have survived.
So yes, for this King Basil it can be a mighty big struggle.
Creating busyness. Giving ourselves justifcation for carrying on, livin' and breathin' on this earth.
So hard sometimes not to let the feelings overwhelm you. Those negative feelings that leave you under a cloud. The number of times I have wanted to punch someone in the face for not behaving in the way that I want them to is simply uncountable.
Those dreams of being in places that you cannot be - how painful! Of not accepting the reality that has come to pass. Head full of wishes when I look to the sky...useless dreamer.
Seems like I am is where I always was - sitting in my room an' wondering just what the hell it is I am supposed to do with my life. Same old place.
Certainty - apart from death there is none.
Gotta pull myself together. Say the same thing to myself time after time but it don't ever seem to make that much difference.
Will it change, who can tell?
Head full of dreams...wondering down the streets of memory, always thinking I should be somewhere else. Not taking responsiblity of the day to day hard and fast reality of where I am and what I am.
Too many dreams too much desparation. Feel like I'm walking round with a sign on my head which says avoid at all costs... you won't find any joy with me.
Neck hurting, pain in the neck. Pain in the shoulders too. Too much thinking, too much negative thought. This is the price you pay ain't no doubt about that.
Looking for a brighter day...but the brightness don't lie out there, only place it can be found is within. Life is what you make it simple as that. Roll across the heavens banging your drum, roll across the heavens till death comes. That is the way it is.
Don't know why we have to run into such confusion. Don't know why I have to be so overwhelmed with emotion when it is swinging the wrong way. What can be done but drink it down?
It is always gonna come. Don't know if I will ever find that place in the sun. The shadows haunt me and will always haunt me if I sit here thinkin' my lucky break is gonna fall down from outta the sky with me ever doin nuthin'. It don't work like that, simply don't work like that.
Dreamer. Basil is a dreamer. One of the worst if truth be told. Basil just can't stop dreaming thinking all his problems will fade away...
Just ain't gonna happen like that. Don't believe in fairies, don't beleive in magic, don't believe in the sun breaking through from behind the clouds...nuthin like that.
Sitting in my office on a nice warm sunny day and all I can think of is that, shit I'm stuck in Ilford, stinking smelly Ilford, instead of a nice place in the country where the warm breezes blow fresh and there is a peaceful stream at the bottom of the field close and all I'm looking out upon is the green green green grasses of home. No, no, no, not like that at all where I am, here in Ilford and those thoughts of yearning can only make me feel miserable.
When will I stop having this patheic King Basil attitude towards all these things?
Think myself as a Buddhist but really, am i? Fundamental promise of Buddhists is to stay until the end, to be where the worst things are, to be there because others need our help. Don't really feel like that myself I have got to say. Just want to get the hell out of here most of the time, as if it is all just some kind of horrific karmic accident, get the hell out of here and go to where the beautiful people go, where they sun themselves day and night, living the life of ease and leisure. Yeah, I'm a liar to think I can stand all this ugliness when that is where I really want to go.
This is the kind of thinking I have and it naturally makes me suffer. How could it not when like I said the reality is that I am where I am and where I am is Ilford and like I said it aint necessarily pretty, in fact I find it a dirty stinkin' place to have ended up. But it has all been written in the stars and nothing happens in life by accident. There are no mistakes, every step that I have ever taken has led me here.
There are people here who make the best of it so why can't I? Probably there are plenty who are proud of it and might even think it is close to being the best place on earth.
So there is no point in getting down on my knees to pray for the well being of others when I can barely stand to be in the place that I find myself. Is there? Gotta throw out these useless thoughts of ending the life of King Basil. Of disappearing in a puff of smoke, or slowly fading from view like a ship sailing down the river into the red sun of eternity. Just not the best idea. I know that and I know I have to fully and completely comprehend it, otherwise no matter what I do, if it invloces running away in any shape or form, it is only going to make things worse. Still, I might just do it.
Bitterness over where I find myself is no good, it won't help. I know it ain't gonna change things so why feel bitter and twisted with the way things have spun? Gotta learn to be a better King Basil, face up to life with dignity; what it is and where I find myself...find the dignity of a King Basil.
Useless feelings of despair are only going to make me feel more sad. People live and work, are happy and sad under these Ilford skies so why can't I do the same? Be the same?
Guess the danger is acceptance and not fighting at all, but then again why fight? When it is what it is then that is it. Only need to change if it fits and the thoughts I have about change don't really fit, just involve running away or doing myself in or praying that somehow a whole load of money is gonna fall from outta the sky and solve the whole thing, this whole damn question.
It ain't gonna happen baby, it ain't gonna happen, so shape up and see things as what they are and learn the simple fact that nothing is mistaken. If this is where I am then it is where I am for a very good reason. All the previous paths I have taken across uncountable destinies have led me to this place right now. No good thinking it is a quirk of fate, some unlucky, unjust, bizarre accident that should never have occured because, oh my god King Basil you are too beautiful, too precious and too good for this dirty stinkin' ugliness. No way baby, it happens because it has been made by you baby and no one else.
It might sound harsh it might sound cruel but only a fool would try to deny it. Get on with life ya silly old king. Throw those setting sun thoughts out the window cause they ain't gonna do you no good. But that, I know, is so much easier said than done, and when I am sitting here feeling these feelings of complete and utter boredom, misery, despair then I know full well it is so much easier said than done.
Yes, it is a struggle and a struggle that leaves me with little more than a huge lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. So bad that a cool headed person might be driven to think, hey this baby should never have survived.
So yes, for this King Basil it can be a mighty big struggle.
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