Sat morn, few mins past 7.30. Looks like the day could be brighter after the early morning haze has cleared. Could be or could not be, hard to tell at the moment. BBC weather seems to indicate it is going to be bright and sunny all day today. This is a change to the forecast a couple of days ago when there was a big black cloud with raindrops as the weather symbol for Woodford this Sat. How things change. Guess a part of me prefers it when it is dull and rainin', otherwise the prospect of people out there in the sun and enjoying it is a bit too visible, bit too much for me to agree with when too much at the wrong time of year could mean the end of the world.
Strictly speakin' I guess I should be getting up these days and doing some meditation. Like this morning I could have splashed some cold water on my face and then gone into the small room where I have my meditation cushion then sat down and got to it. But I didn't , didn't even come close. Wouldn't have taken much to do, there just aint no excuses. Sleep last night was pretty heavy, full of dreams I can't remember. Had a glass of strong Belgium beer and then Tamdin made me a gin and tonic to accompany her as she had her second one. Alcohol. Shakes you down. Smoothes out the rough edges that is for sure. Don't think it is something that is too bad as long as things are kept in perspective, and a couple here an' there is OK, is OK...so long as it doesn't become four or five, more and more, if you see what I mean.
Sun morn now. Day cloudy but could brighten up and get sunny. We shall see. Just gone 7.30. Guess this is another of those occasions when I should be going straight to the meditation cushion but somehow I lose my way and dont make it. Maybe later today though, think I will have some spare time later. Yeah, easy to say...
Yesterday was spent mainly doin' house stuff with Tamdin. Keepin' things tickin' over. Main job that had to be done was going out and buying the cheapest possible lawnmower in order to cut our tiny patch of grass out the front. For years and years Tim our neighbour has done this but late last year his mower packed up big time and I said to him not worry about getting a new one as I would do it. My turn, so to speak, and all that. Behavin' like a good an' proper Englishman. So this was a few months ago and now it is early Spring the grass is getting long of course and I'm sure that quietly and patiently Timbo has been waiting for me to follow through and make good my word.
Finally found a mower we liked at B&Q. A Flymo mini-mower. This was after trying Homebase and getting seriously distracted by deliberating whether or not to buy a parasol for the back garden to stick on the deck. In fact it was barely a deliberation, more like a mild to serious disagreement between me and Tamdin. She wanted to get one and I didn't. That was the crux of the matter. The one she was after looked a too big, way too big for our small backyard.
I was saved by the salesman in the Base who said that it would not be a good idea to just buy a parasol and stand on their own without getting a table to put the parasol through thus making it stable in the wind. This was just what I wanted to hear but Tamdin didn't take it too well and there was an edge to things between us for a little afterwards. We ended up leaving the Base quite at odds with each other. I was feelin' like a right old party pooper for not going along with what she wanted and just buying the goddam parasol. Nevertheless in my mind there was no doubt that the parasol would have fallen over in the slightest breeze if there was no table ta keep it stable.
Just about made it down to Beezer an' a Queuzeer on reasonable terms with each other. Luckily what we found there the ideal mower, just what we was looking for. A Flymo mini mower for under 20 quid. Nice and compact. Took it back home feeling like we had stumbled across a bargain.
Back at home it wasn't long before I got the mower out the box and was trying to put it together. It was at this point that I realised why it was so goddamed cheap, as on initial inspection the instructions on how to assemble it were not that clear at all. Pretty daunting in fact. Do it yer fuckin' self. As usual in these kinda situations I steamed right in and tried to fix it up without properly reading things through. This kind of behaviour on my part is simply a symptom of panic and a blind desire to get things which I find a bit intimidating to be done as quickly as possible in order to get them out the way. Headache over so to speak. It is wanting to push the reality of the situation out the way and to move onto to something else a bit less stressful as quickly as possible. Throughout the course of my life I have probably done it a million times before. Kinda almost instinctive.
Tamdin told me to take a five minute break, have a breather and a nice cup of tea but I was not interested in that. All I wanted to do was get the fuckin' mower fixed, up and runnin, show Timbo I had done what I said I was gonna do. Dun it in spades. It was pure-cut 100% suffering as I knelt there and kept dropping the nuts and bolts that I was supposed to use to put things together. Kept getting things the wrong way around and I could feel the red mist descending. Just couldn't get a grip on what it was I was supposed to do. Another ruzzle puggin' fuck up on the way.
Finally Tamdin stepped in and pushed me out the way to have a look at it herself. When she started to initially do things wrong as well I felt like kicking her head in. Had visions of suddenly swinging my leg and connecting it with her head in as hard a way a possible. Knock out. Frightening pictures. Then after that going into an uncontrollable rage. No more Mr Cool, no more Mr Nice Guy. Managed to keep things in check however and take a few steps backwards from the situation. Just as well really as it was not long before she correctly got things together as far as the mini-mower was concerned and from then on it was more or less plain sailing.
Close call, that one. Makes me realise how much potential there still is in me to rip things apart and walk into the lands of destruction. People, objects, it don't fucking matter. If something is in my way then I will behave accordingly if the star alignment is particularly inauspicious. Wake up call. Enough to make me contemplate how far I am from acceptance in certain situations. How far away I am from the serenity and calmness I read about as something to aspire to and to develop from all those books on meditation I deal with.
Inner demons. Those same inner demons that wanted to make me kick Tamdin in the head over putting together the mini-mower are the same ones which made me biff Trevor Butler on the sniffer when I was barely 10 years old in junior school. Uncontrollable anger. Gotta let it out an' then there is hell to pay. Literally hell to pay. You pay by going to hell for your actions. Only way to successfully pacify those inner demons is not to hide from them, not to cower in fear of them or anything like that. Best to acknowledge them, honour them.
Stick a few stakes in the ground figuratively speaking and mark out their territory. Then respect their boundaries, give them room to play. They are lords of their own mandala aint no doubt about that. Stake out the ground, praise them, wish them well and let them go about their business...but in a controlled fashion. See my point do ya? This aint about suppression an' keepin' a lid on things or anything like that. It is about openness, acknowledgement and acceptance. They are dark forces indeed and potentially damn powerful. But the more they are kept under wraps then the darker they become, and the more fear they have the chance to generate because of it. Far better to say yes to their existence and show them all due respect. Seriously. Praise them, honour them, give them the chance to live as they have to...which is electric, wild, like forces of nature. Demons. Mine. No shame about that.
Better, much better that way. Then there wont be no more biffing sniffers for me an' causing a whole lotta explosions in blood. That aint no good 'coz it just leads to a kinda destruction from which it is difficult to build. Honour them, acknowledge them, those inner demons. Simple as that. Play the ritual. Play like you mean it 'coz you do. Be right up front about it and give those demons a space to live and breathe. Do it. Don't be ashamed about it 'coz there aint nuthin' to be ashamed about. They are forces of nature and nuthin' more than that. Electric, wild, powerful...
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