Dull day today, aint no gettin' away from it. Dull grey weather and incredibly dull at work where there was so little comin' in the way of orders that I really sat there an' thought we would be lucky if we didn't end up totally an' utterly bust by the end of the boogerin' year.
Yeah one of those kind of days where you sit there thinkin' just what the fuck have I done with my life to end up here? Dull, dull, dull. British dull in the only way that British dull can be. Nuthin' on the horizon...nuthin' on the horizon at the moment to get excited about. Sweet bugger fuck. Well, I've got a couple of Dylan shows next month which will be pretty good I'm sure but really that is about it.
Wonder what it will be like up at Samye Ling right now? Well, kinda quiet I guess. Probably just as cloudy and cold as it here. Probably just as dull. Colder, duller maybe. But, you know people up there are all together and they are in it for the big deal. Or that is how it seems. I seem to have lost that. Lost touch with my meditation. Outta touch with my meditation. Time maybe to have a break from all this bloggin' and all this poddin' an' just switch off for a coupla weeks an' see where it takes me...See where it takes me...Am I prepared to float an' see?
Well you know... I don't think so at the moment. Feels closer to the pulse just sittin' here an' writin' this, even if it does get boring an' repetitive at times. But there is always room for something good to come out, just like fishin'...just might throw the line into the deep an' pull out a big one.
Spring is slowly comin'. Feels slow on a day like today when it is so grey and cold. Heavy clouds, banked up way into the sky. Windy. Gets me thinkin' of another summer in the City and at the moment it does not seem like a prospect to look forward to. Would be nice just to get away from it all for a good while. Have a real change. You know, at work, with the work I do, which is basically sell Buddhist books, we hear about a lot of people into their practice. Followin' their paths...people into their meditation practice. People who have been following the path for a number of years now. Following their teachers. Now they are gettin' down to it. Sittin' an' meditatin'.
Doin' it right, if they are lucky. By contrast, I aint come close to doing any of that. Not come close at all. Part of me wants to, dearly wants, but a part of me also says that if I really wanted it so much I would have gone out and done something about it, which of course I haven't. So there we go. Instead of all that - the meditation, the solitary contemplation - there is the office to look forward to. Grindin' our through. Just tryin' to survive is what it feels like at the moment. There aint much hope of us breaking into another dimension of sales although we try our hardest within the boundaries set down for us by the money we have available in the bank.
Friday now. Early mornin' thoughts. Slept heavy. Tamdin was kicking me in the night to stop me from snoring. Like a little donkey she was, a right little kicka. Strange dreams just before waking, dreams of a wild East London where I was victim of a heist, just after drivin' down a big hill into a warehouse of shadows. Feel kinda heavy from it but not too bad, just getting myself together now for another day. Friday. That means I'm only at work till one then I knock off.
Mundane things on the agenda today. Cleaning the car being one of them. Got pretty damn dirty from the trip up north and now it needs a rinsin'. More than that in fact, a bloody good rub a dub scrub. Inside and out. Clean cars, dirty cars. To some people they make a hell of a difference. Guess I fall into the camp that can cope with a dirty motor for so long an' then I just have to go and get something done about it. Not one of those people however who look upon their motor as their pride an' joy and who would go ape as soon as the merest speck o' shit appeared on it. Nah, nah. Simple guy really when it comes to cars. Yeah, clean the car this afternoon if it all works out. Other than that, work will be pretty low key I expect; sittin' an' hoping more orders are gonna roll through the door no doubt. That's one thing we'll be doing I'm sure about that.
Trip seems so fay away now. Well, it was only a coupla days after all. Not as if I'd taken out six months to go an' travel America or anything like that. If I had then sure you would have every right to expect me to Yankee Doodle about it for months after. But this wasn't not like that at all. Just a toe in the water of the land o' da Hoots Mcgroots and then back to the Smoke again...quicker than you could snort a line of charly. Gotta make more time for travel though, there aint no doubt about that. Sure, I have said this before and not never dun nuthin' about it but there ya go... I've said it again.
Travel obviously changes one's state of mind. That is clear. We are all shaped by the environment in which we live. Therefore if the environment changes then we change also. OK deep down underneath the same stream of feeling is rollin' on, the stream that shapes your view of the world, but further up things change. For me it always easier when I have new things to see and reflect upon, even if it is only hills, valleys and a bunch of buildings. That is enough to get me dreamin', to get me thinking about whatever it was that set things in motion. As Van the Man said 20 years ago in one of his mid 80s so so album releases... tis good to have A Sense of Wonder.
Well I think I have that, always have, I may not articulate it very well either in words or deeds but it is there. Travel to new places brings on a sense of wonder. It is a ritual with me now that one of the things I do is imagine what it would be like to live in whatever place it is I am visiting. Almost always I see these places through rose tinted spectacles. Never seeing the daily grind that is surely the reality if you live there day in day out. Nah nah nah. See it instead as something that is potentially the answer to all the problems of my life. Whatever it is those problems might be. Oh yeah, if only I lived in this place or that place then things would be boom tinker and I would never be bored in my life again.
In years gone by the emotional impact such thoughts would have would have been enough to make me feel sad. Now I let it all wash over me. Mainly because it is clearer to me now that such thoughts are delusions an' nuthin' more than that. Wherever you might be there will never be any easy answers to the questions that life poses, and within certain reasonable limits it really doesn't matter where you are if you really want to get down to the fundamentals and sort things out.
So it is good that I don't get caught up so much in that kind of emotional drama these days. Don't mean the thoughts no longer go through my head... they still do, it is just that is easier to check them and in the checking process allow myself to see the other side of the coin. That don't negate from the pleasure of travel however. Always nice to step into a little side reality for a little while, with new things to brush up against, fall in love with, an' bring on a sense of wonder...
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