Tues morn. Kinda cloudy now after a few days sun. Precious sun. Guess I won't be saying that by the summer though when I'm sittin' here thinking the world is breakin' up 'coz it's so damn hot. Always a rush in the morning to get down and be able to write something on here. Simple solution would be just to get up that little bit earlier. Simple indeed. It would solve a lot of problems but I just don't ever seem to be able to get it together.
Morning rituals have to obeyed, albeit in a rather sleep befuddled and mindless manner. Better by far would be to follow a Zen like calling to the mornings - I sleep, I wake, I rise. Yeah, end of story. Instead with me I sleep and then when I wake I struggle to keep hold of the warmth and comfort of the bed before finally kicking myself out of it at just gone seven. Every day. Same deal every day. Never much later than seven but never much earlier as well.
Today for example I actually woke at 6.30, went for a piss and then crawled back into the sack again. No meditation for me. Might have been a helluva lot healthier just to have stayed on my feet from that point on and did something. No chance. There was never even any debate about it. Consequently the morning then became a bit rushed half an hour later when I finally did get up. Got up washed my face and rinsed my hair. Things that I have done every morning for years and years. Then got dressed.
Came downstairs to fill the water jug for the water bowl offerings. Cleaned things up a bit in the kitchen and lounge and then put the coffee on. We have a filter machine so it needs loading up both for me and for Tamdin whenever she descends. After that is done I go back upstairs with the water jug and into the shrine room to make water bowl offerings and light some incense. Say a few Buddhist prayers at the time of doing this, brief Buddhist prayers, nuthin' too demanding. Ritual. Almost empty ritual at times. Empty in the sense that it is done out of habit rather than concentrated awareness of there being any greater meaning to it. Best thing to say about it is at least I do it. Day in day out, without fail. But that is really as far as it goes. Could do better. Could pray a bit harder, close my eyes a bit tighter so to speak, and search a bit harder for the spark.
From there it is back downstairs again and onto making my sandwich for lunch at work. Since I have been in the habit for quite a while now of making my own bread thanks to our Panasonic bread maker there is usually fresh bread to hand to get things started. Sandwich is usually a cheese one. Sometimes with a bit of salad like a couple of leaves of lettuce, sometimes with pickle and sometimes plain. Plain is better when the bread is fresh and crispy. The bread is nearly always crumbly which means loads of crumbs go everywhere when I cut it so there is always a mad few seconds wiping away the work surface after the sandwich is done.
With that out the way it is onto breakfast and for quite a while now breakfast has been toast and coffee. Again bread needs to be cut, this time toasted and stuff also needs to be found to spread on it. Usually honey or Marmite, sometimes both. All this takes a few minutes of course and it is at this point that I usually look at the clock and realise that I aint got as much time as I had hoped. Gonna be difficult in other words to sit here like I am doing now and actually write a few things down. Instead my head is filled with a nagging feeling of having blown it again. Up too late, took too long, no chance to sit down and write my words of wisdom.
Hard not to feel bad about having let my time get taken with stuff that don't lead anywhere... but then again it is important to stay healthy in body and mind and in regard to that I know that when lunch time comes along I will appreciate being able to bite into my nice fresh home made sandwich. Aint no doubt about that, sometimes it tastes good enough to leave me sittin' there at my desk grinnin' like a Cheshire cat. It will also save me a trip down Ilford High Road past the hoodies and kids with fookin' attitude mon before divin' past the chuggers and into M & S for one of their nice if predictable efforts which always cost a couple of quid when all is said an' done.
This morning the reason why I have found enough time to get some stuff written down is because I can leave for work a few minutes later 'coz it is nearly Easter time and the kids are on holiday. Main effect this has on me is that the roads between Ilford and Woodford are a hell of a lot clearer since all the sacks of shit taking their darlings to school in their 4x4s are off the roads and already on their planes goin' to wherever it is they go so that they can come back and tell everyone they have had a really spiffin' Easter. Means I can whizz round to Wisdom in under 20 mins.
Middle of the day. Just wolfed down my sandwich in the office. Grey and cold outside. Stressful morning at work. A new chip arrived for the postal scales and it promptly fucked the whole kaboodle up when we tried to install it. Now means the scales are out of fuckin' action and unless the replacement chip which is now in the mail works we will be facing a call out charge from the scales people in order to get them fixed. A right mugga truckin' nightmare of a situation. Kind of thing that leaves me feelin' gutted, because a couple of weeks ago I declined the company's offer to take out comprehensive cover on the scales for this year. Now they have gone and fucked up and we are doubtless going to end up paying an arm and a fuckin' leg if we want to get them sorted. Mug. Makes me think dark things like they deliberately sent out chips to fuck up the machines in order to get calls for maintenance from those who don't have cover, where they know they can bag up good and proper...possible ya never know in this crazy money obsessed world we live in. Makes me sick, sick, fucking sick as a dog, a barky barky woof woof.
The fuck up with the postal chip has been the main thing that has happened at work today, along with the usual stresses and strains of course. Kinda feel like a sucker sometimes... living and workin' my way thru' this kinda life. Trying to keep a lid on things when stuff comes along like today and irritates the fuck outta me. All this grief for what? Not as if we make millions and we're on our way to be like Alan Sugar or anything like that. Always some fucking thing on the horizon which comes along to fuck things up as far as Wisdom Books is concerned. Never, never get to the point of breaking free. Nature of it I guess. Small business, small fish. Barley a blip on any kinda scale. Insignificant. Totally. Not to be missed by many if we suddenly go under. Look at us... working, getting stressed, rolling home exhausted and feeling bad when we have shown our irritation to others. Gotta be something better.
Evenin' now. Tough day. No way can you come out of the office without feelin' tired after a day like today. Just the two of us in the office and all kinds of shit going down around us. Too much. Too few people who have to do too much on days like today. All it takes is a few things to go belly up and the whole thing seems fucked. That was how it was today anyway. Dunno if I enjoy this. Well I do know in fact that I don't enjoy it when it is like this. All part of the process no doubt. What else is there to say about it? These are the times when I feel that I gotta get out and onto something better. But how? Now I'm in my middle 40s and time is pressin' on...it aint gonna get any easier that is for sure.
Wed now. Fine day. Will have to do half a day at Wisdom 'coz we got stock issues that need to be sorted out before the Easter break. Well, whether we will be able to sort them or not is another matter but we'll see. Sleep OK. Woke up a few times and I think it was because of Tamdin snoring. In and out of sleep. Strange sleep.
Had a half bottle of white wine last night and I have come to the conclusion that I far prefer red to the white stuff. Red is more wholesome, warmer, heartier... Leaves me with a glow. White gives you a buzz, an accelerated buzz because you tend to drink it quickly because it is cold, but I think it also comes with a sting in the tail. Tends to catch up with ya later in the evening and leave ya almost crashed. In and out. Dozing then snapping out of it then dozing off again. Dunno if I like that. Red wine is more consistent. Mainly 'coz you have to drink it slower so the effect is more measured. More the way it is supposed to be. The white stuff in screw caps and well chilled speaks to me of too much manipulation, too desperate to give people a good time and then as the payback get them hooked. From now it will only be the red stuff for me unless it is a really stinkin' hot one and there aint no beer in the fridge...
The postal chip scenario yesterday morning knocked me for six. Six of the worst. So depressing to find myself so full of anger and irritation over such a little thing when surrounded by so much stuff on Buddhism. Only it aint little at the time no matter how I try to spin it. Make it so big I begin to fear that the whole operation is gonna come crashing down around us, leavin' us bust. Are we really that fragile? Just unable to rise above it all and see things from any kind of elevated perspective which at the moment is what is needed. Enuff.
Thus morn an' it's a bright one. Come to the conclusion that I dunno if I like these kinda days or not weather wise. Early Spring promise for sure, but along with promises come threats. Dunno what kind, will have to see. A burnin' summer maybe. But then again when it really gets goin' I have to say I rather like the heat, like it a lot. Work today then a four day break. Easter. Still gutted about the postal chip fuckin' up our weighing scales. This a mere couple of weeks after I declined the offer of taking out comprehensive insurance cover on them. Just dunno if it is the machine at fault or the clumsy way in which Grant, one of our packers, tried to put the new chip in. Just dunno. Very difficult not to show my intense irritation. That I do know.
Red mist fallin' down..standing in amongst all the junk and clutter of the packing bench and having to hold back the urge to punch the living daylights out of Grunty Boy for not fucking well paying attention to the instructions when he tried to put the replacement chip in. Just didn't do what he was supposed to do I'm sure of that, but it is impossible to prove it so we just have to live with it. Bite the bullet, and say goodbye to another couple of hundred quid that is going to be going out the window to get the scales repaired. Gutted. Sick as a dog, as a bow, a barky barky woof woof... Like being kicked in the knackers. All those things an' more. Aint no way back from it now, aint nuthin' to do that can retrieve the situation.
Alternative to getting the engineer in is to buy new scales but if we buy new scales they aint gonna be as good as the ones we have so it might be better just to get these ones repaired. Decisions, decisions. Executive decisions. These are the kinda ones I get to make, nuthin' more than that. No big deal in the final scheme of things...even though they seem a pretty big deal at the time. And the time for this one is now. Just coming at the wrong time, when we need to save as much as we can due to the fact that we are having to fund expensive and extensive boiler replacement works which in the long term we are probably not going to even see the benefit of. Yeah, written all about the boiler in previous posts...
What pain. My frowning face. My anger and irritation of knowing there aint nuthin' I can do about the situation. So I just have to stand there and take it. Be as polite as I can under the circumstances whilst feeling crushed inside by whole dirty doggin' deal. Sign the mugga truckin' cheque and then move on, crossing my fingers a little bit tighter that when the next thing comes down the tube to test me, it won't break me.
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