The Struggles of King Basil

All this running around - where has it come and from where do we go?

Creating busyness. Giving ourselves justifcation for carrying on, livin' and breathin' on this earth.

So hard sometimes not to let the feelings overwhelm you. Those negative feelings that leave you under a cloud. The number of times I have wanted to punch someone in the face for not behaving in the way that I want them to is simply uncountable.

Those dreams of being in places that you cannot be - how painful! Of not accepting the reality that has come to pass. Head full of wishes when I look to the sky...useless dreamer.

Seems like I am is where I always was - sitting in my room an' wondering just what the hell it is I am supposed to do with my life. Same old place.

Certainty - apart from death there is none.

Gotta pull myself together. Say the same thing to myself time after time but it don't ever seem to make that much difference.

Will it change, who can tell?

Head full of dreams...wondering down the streets of memory, always thinking I should be somewhere else. Not taking responsiblity of the day to day hard and fast reality of where I am and what I am.

Too many dreams too much desparation. Feel like I'm walking round with a sign on my head which says avoid at all costs... you won't find any joy with me.

Neck hurting, pain in the neck. Pain in the shoulders too. Too much thinking, too much negative thought. This is the price you pay ain't no doubt about that.

Looking for a brighter day...but the brightness don't lie out there, only place it can be found is within. Life is what you make it simple as that. Roll across the heavens banging your drum, roll across the heavens till death comes. That is the way it is.

Don't know why we have to run into such confusion. Don't know why I have to be so overwhelmed with emotion when it is swinging the wrong way. What can be done but drink it down?

It is always gonna come. Don't know if I will ever find that place in the sun. The shadows haunt me and will always haunt me if I sit here thinkin' my lucky break is gonna fall down from outta the sky with me ever doin nuthin'. It don't work like that, simply don't work like that.

Dreamer. Basil is a dreamer. One of the worst if truth be told. Basil just can't stop dreaming thinking all his problems will fade away...

Just ain't gonna happen like that. Don't believe in fairies, don't beleive in magic, don't believe in the sun breaking through from behind the clouds...nuthin like that.

Sitting in my office on a nice warm sunny day and all I can think of is that, shit I'm stuck in Ilford, stinking smelly Ilford, instead of a nice place in the country where the warm breezes blow fresh and there is a peaceful stream at the bottom of the field close and all I'm looking out upon is the green green green grasses of home. No, no, no, not like that at all where I am, here in Ilford and those thoughts of yearning can only make me feel miserable.

When will I stop having this patheic King Basil attitude towards all these things?

Think myself as a Buddhist but really, am i? Fundamental promise of Buddhists is to stay until the end, to be where the worst things are, to be there because others need our help. Don't really feel like that myself I have got to say. Just want to get the hell out of here most of the time, as if it is all just some kind of horrific karmic accident, get the hell out of here and go to where the beautiful people go, where they sun themselves day and night, living the life of ease and leisure. Yeah, I'm a liar to think I can stand all this ugliness when that is where I really want to go.

This is the kind of thinking I have and it naturally makes me suffer. How could it not when like I said the reality is that I am where I am and where I am is Ilford and like I said it aint necessarily pretty, in fact I find it a dirty stinkin' place to have ended up. But it has all been written in the stars and nothing happens in life by accident. There are no mistakes, every step that I have ever taken has led me here.

There are people here who make the best of it so why can't I? Probably there are plenty who are proud of it and might even think it is close to being the best place on earth.

So there is no point in getting down on my knees to pray for the well being of others when I can barely stand to be in the place that I find myself. Is there? Gotta throw out these useless thoughts of ending the life of King Basil. Of disappearing in a puff of smoke, or slowly fading from view like a ship sailing down the river into the red sun of eternity. Just not the best idea. I know that and I know I have to fully and completely comprehend it, otherwise no matter what I do, if it invloces running away in any shape or form, it is only going to make things worse. Still, I might just do it.

Bitterness over where I find myself is no good, it won't help. I know it ain't gonna change things so why feel bitter and twisted with the way things have spun? Gotta learn to be a better King Basil, face up to life with dignity; what it is and where I find myself...find the dignity of a King Basil.

Useless feelings of despair are only going to make me feel more sad. People live and work, are happy and sad under these Ilford skies so why can't I do the same? Be the same?

Guess the danger is acceptance and not fighting at all, but then again why fight? When it is what it is then that is it. Only need to change if it fits and the thoughts I have about change don't really fit, just involve running away or doing myself in or praying that somehow a whole load of money is gonna fall from outta the sky and solve the whole thing, this whole damn question.

It ain't gonna happen baby, it ain't gonna happen, so shape up and see things as what they are and learn the simple fact that nothing is mistaken. If this is where I am then it is where I am for a very good reason. All the previous paths I have taken across uncountable destinies have led me to this place right now. No good thinking it is a quirk of fate, some unlucky, unjust, bizarre accident that should never have occured because, oh my god King Basil you are too beautiful, too precious and too good for this dirty stinkin' ugliness. No way baby, it happens because it has been made by you baby and no one else.

It might sound harsh it might sound cruel but only a fool would try to deny it. Get on with life ya silly old king. Throw those setting sun thoughts out the window cause they ain't gonna do you no good. But that, I know, is so much easier said than done, and when I am sitting here feeling these feelings of complete and utter boredom, misery, despair then I know full well it is so much easier said than done.

Yes, it is a struggle and a struggle that leaves me with little more than a huge lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. So bad that a cool headed person might be driven to think, hey this baby should never have survived.

So yes, for this King Basil it can be a mighty big struggle.