On The Ropes

Like wading through mud...day to day livin' at the moment, maybe something like that or maybe something not quite so bad. Done little in the way of meditatin' these last few days, morning mantras morning prayers and that kinda stuff in a half-assed sort of way and that is just about all. Weather has warmed up a little, not much but a bit, and I am surprised how happy I am that it has. The cold snap was not enjoyable, that dose of Arctic blasts, and I think in years gone by I would have found it a lot more fun that I did this time. Must be getting old, must be losing something.

Sometimes look at myself, the blood runnin' through me and get to wonderin' how much longer it will flow. How many times can you keep the looking at the world from a particular point of view? Do I even know what point of view I have? Pessimistic, glass half empty, for sure, for sure...what are these questions I am asking myself? Can I for example really explain all that happens in life through karma? Is the reasoning sound? Or is it just some half baked idea that will never be strong enough to get me through those times when things get really sticky? All unknown. Just don't know what the answers to those questions are.

Find myself talking to people and almost runnin' out of steam. Guess a part of me craves to be an expert, craves to be someone who others talk of as if he really knows what he talking about. Bullshit fantasies, it is all just shots in the dark. Gun splattering. Random shots that might or might not hit the target. Find myself in conversations where I don't really know the answers but try, like a blindman, to find some kind of solution. Guess I know deep down, although I can't draw it out, that I am drifting a bit too far from the shore...flapping in the waters and doing my best not to sink. What is it that I have to do? Are there warnings out there and do they come in dreams? Or maybe just they are right there in the fuckin' obvious. Is the whole of life based on the maintenance of good feelings towards others?

Why is that anger, rage and all those other dark emotions can seem almost inexhaustible? It dismays me how easy it is to find myself in the deep pit of negative feelings towards others. The deep dark where pictures of me smashing heavy objects over others heads are visualized in vivid colours. It might very well be the case that my outlook on life needs some improvement. Almost always thinking of the negative, wanting to bring myself and others down to the level where you look out upon things and don't seem to see that much hope. No one wants that. Don't know where all this is going to go, but the currents underneath don't seem to be flowing in the direction which points to any kind of happy ending. Too miserable, too timid to break out of my shell and express myself in any kinda clear way with regard to what the fundamental questions of life might or might not be. So the result is feeling fucked up. Always ask myself - do I know what a clear expression of what it is I am and feel actually is? I think the answer is no. No way Jose. Too many things I do it is just as if I am dipping my toe in the water and little else. Got to wake up to this fact and take a grip but with me already 48 years down the pipe it gets harder and harder. What gets gets in the way is ego...and despair. Ego pure and simple when younger, then something else. Just can't seem to handle the fact that all that I really am is an ignorant fool who just knows a little bit of this and little bit of that but not much more. I'm on the ropes, hanging on by my fingernails.