Suicide Alley

All these crazy thoughts of doing myself in, where do they come from these visions of sin? Feels like my head is a punch ball full of gunk, a skull puffed up like a jackass dandy, skunked rotten...

Life and all contingencies can so easily seem like they have got the better of me and the only thoughts which provide solace are thoughts of oblivion, those thoughts of goin' off into the big dark an' saying goodbye to everyone and everything. Thing is, more life goes on more I realise I am on my own when it comes to dealing with my own mental continuum. As I get older the more difficult I find it is to bring out the inner pain that life causes, to make it explainable to others, to make it make sense to others without them giving me scary looks because they are scared and unsettled about whatever it is that I am trying to explain. Guess the fact is that in my inner way of thinkin' it all makes sense but when I try to speak those feelings in words, even to myself, then I stumble and whatever it is that I really want to say does not come out. Maybe that is why people get so frustrated about what they feel inside that they are driven to means of expression through physical action, and then as a consequence negative events occur - like murder, like self harm, like muder, murder, murder.

It is one of the paradoxes of life that you just have to accept as time goes on. The inner gets bigger and bigger, the inner pain gets ever more tender...you see the missed opportunities for sensitivity and understanding, and the means of correct expression get ever more narrow. The gap through which you have to try to squeeze, slowly but surely closes, gets closer and closer togtether. Brings on feelings of claustrophobia and inner doom. Flattens the options of possible relief and leaves you stuck in the mud of emotions that signify a whole hearted weariness with life. The false hopes you have that things will get better turn into sick jokes as life continues on, relentlessly showing you that quite clearly things are not getting better at all and that what you thought was bad in the past will only seem like heaven in ther future to come.