One of those work days today where a part of me just could not be bothered and as a consequence the day seemed to drag like hell. For so much of it all I wanted to do was to get the hell out of the office, be anywhere but there, even with the cows in the fields by the Dagenham power towers and wind farms on the north bank of the Thames. Think I wondered half the time today if i really was cut out to do what i do, but in reality questions like that are completely and utterly useless. I mean let us put it this way, I do what I do and have been doing it now for over the last 20 years and by the looks of things all of that is not going to really change anytime soon, so in that respect the die is cast and whether I think I am cut out for it not is almost irrelevant.
After writing a long peice about my day in January I went to bed last night feeling kind of strange. Read a bit of David Copperfield and then tried to sleep but found it hard to. Guess it might have had something to do with the extra large pizza I had eaten at around 10 pm after drinking a couple of cans of Stella. Not the best of habits, late pizza eatin'. Lay there in the dark feeling full again. Then finally I drifted into a kind of half sleep before suddenly waking myself up with a groan. Yeah, distinctly remember letting out a moan or a groan and the sound of it waking me up. Maybe I am confused but I think I dreamt of Jack the Ripper risin' up from out of the drains and going off to kill somebody, dressed in black and pure evil. It was almost enough to bring me out in a bit of a cold sweat. I had to raise myself out of bed and push the window open in order to let in some of that cold January air. My god I needed that fresh air bad and I think it was a lot better for me after that. Guess my body just needed the ventilation. Slept pretty much OK then and did wake up till six in the morning which for me in this current phase of poor and broken sleep was really quite late. Fell into that bliss state when I woke of just lying there in the dark, body warm with the air blowin' on my face from the open window.
So it is possible that that strange experience of being woken up by my own groan had had some weird kind of effect on me today at work. Possible. Made me feel as if I could just could not bothered with much as far as business was concerned. Just too much for me to make any kind of effort, but of course I guess I did make some kind of effort because as usual there were plenty of little experiences during the course of the day which irritated the hell out of me and which I resisted reacting to by saying something like "You know what? Why don't you just shut the fuck up? You know what? Am I really going to have to spend the rest of my whole fuckin' life listening to the all this complete and utter shit that you come out with day in day out?" Yeah, guess I made the effort to restrain myself from saying tings like that. But then I am too much of a coward to confront people like that anyway.
So...where were we? Oh yeah. Strange nights leading to strange days. The attitude problem of today might also have had something to do with the fact that when I woke up this morning and came downstairs I realised that both the cable tv and the broadband was down. God knows what happened there but there was nada, big fat nuthin'. Checked the Virgin Media website when I got to the office and it just said that a fault had been reported for my area and that it was being seen to. Engineers were on the case, sorting it out. Depressed me, the whole thing depressed me. Not necessarily the thing itself but my reaction to it. The fact that something which I use so much and so often, in other words every day, is completely and utterly out of my control when it screws up. If it is not wokring it is not working, simple as that and there is nuthin' absolutley nuthin' that I can do about it. Feel so useless, feel so dependent, feel so goddam desperate. Anyway by the time I got home from the office the services were back up and running again, and needless to say that made me feel better right away.
What a tiny little insect I really am, too full, way too full of my own hopes and fears and very surely will one day I will get squashed.
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