Thoughts roll through my mind from time to time, well what I mean to say of course is that thoughts roll through my mind all the time, constantly, the ever churning mill, but sometimes they kind of stay...to stick and spike. Thoughts that are more like voices actually. Voices of the mind, voices in my head. We all have them, I ain't that much of an exception. The ones that say...are you doing all that you can do with your life? Is there not more that ya should be doin'? Makes it difficult to feel that my life is being lived to it's full potential when those kinda thoughts come along.
When things get like that it is hard then not to think I deserve some kind of punishment for not pushing things further, for not being a little bit braver with the things in my life I might or might not have done so far. But I guess the fact of the matter is that whatever punishment that I might receive does not lie far off someplace in the distant future but is rather being given to me right now in the form of those thoughts I'm thinking and the painful feelings they can invoke. Those thoughts and feelings can be enough to make things look like shit sometimes. Strong enough to bring on an overpowering sense of desolation and abandonment, a sense that somehow I have let things go to a point where I am left alone on the shoreline of my own discontent, staring at the wild seas of misery.
Yeah, it almost makes me feel paralysed, what can I ever do to break free? Maybe jump head first from the roof of a 10 storey building? Let my head smack unto the hard concrete below, as my skull cracks and soon gets swallowed in a puddle of blood. And that is freedom? Nah. I don't think so...
Well, the happy days of Bob being in town are now well behind me, a good few weeks down the tracks and he has gone for dust man, gone for dust...never to be reclaimed in the same way ever again, never never. Been readin' the Clinton Heylin book Revolution In The Air which provides a chronological description of every song Bob Dylan has ever written, all 600 of them...and counting. This is in fact the 1st volume, 2nd one should appear sometime next year 2010. Anyway, been enjoying it very much, maybe a bit too much who knows? Some nights after readin' it, it has just left my head dominated with thoughts of Bob and what a tremendously great guy he is in some respects and what a goddam weasel he is in others, on and on those thoughts then tend to kinda go. Just gotta concentrate on my own life instead I think, as it is time and effort enough just trying to keep my own house in order, if at all possible.
Trying to break the spell by giving Revolution in the Air a rest for a couple of days. First thing I have done is replaced Bob's Together Through Life on the CD deck in my Toyo and got Iron Maiden's really quite superb A Matter of Life and Death on continuous play instead. Very pagan black and just the answer to all these stupid dumb thoughts of toppin' myself 'coz Maiden love life, they really do. And I'm quite happy, under the circumstances, to let them save me.
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