No News

Mon morn, grey and unspectacular. I don't know what the weather is going be like at the w/end which is a bank holiday but I am thinking of going down to Wales with Tamdin to spend a couple of days in my parents flat by the sea. Well, not right by the sea but pretty close, a walk down the hill.

Got down to a bit of meditation yesterday. Couple of solid sessions where the mind remained relatively focused. For sure thoughts float in and out, that is unavoidable, but in the main I kept my attention on the breath as it was the main object of concentration. Consequently things were nice and fluid, for a change.

Meditation was good but despite it all I ended the day wondering just how honourable a thing the act of suicide was in the Roman tradition, and what the reasons were under which it could have been sanctioned. I remember reading one account not so long ago of a senator who sat around chatting with his friends whilst he slashed his wrists and his life blood slowly drained away. Guess it was a question of honour back then, also one of punishment as well. People were ordered by wrathful emperors to do themselves in if they put themselves on the wrong side of the tracks. Maybe have to find out a bit more about that.

Sitting here writing this but really feel like I have should have got up and done some meditation this morning. Lingered in bed a little bit too long. All the meditation books that I read say when you wake you should get up straight away. Don't lie around. Well I guess today I first woke at around 5.20 am and then again at 6.00 am. At neither point did I take the opportunity to haul myself out of bed, splash some cold water over my face and go and sit on my cushion. From the horizontal and in the half dark it all seemed so complicated when of course there is really nothing to it at all, only thing that is needed is an injection of the necessary motivation.

This means I can hardly have anyone to blame but myself if I feel bad now for not doing any meditation. The chance was there and I blew it. Simple as that and there is really little more to say about it. Tomorrow, will it be any different? Well I kind of doubt that very much. There is always the fear in me of getting up too early and then ending up feeling tired for the rest of day after the initial couple of hours of early morning get up and go have worn off. The fear of falling apart I guess.

Sleep for the last few nights has been patchy. Each time I have got up in the morning feeling that I have not really slept very well at all. Light sleep, full of dreams unremembered or half remembered. Been getting a bit preoccupied with the condition of the skin on my face these last few days, maybe that has something to do with it. Tamdin thinks my skin is the way it is because I do not drink enough water. That might be true, although none of the guys at Wisdom have a face like mine and they drink less water than I do. When I was younger spots on my face would turn into puss and then I would be able to squeeze them. Splat on the mirror they would go. These days the spots never fully break the surface of the skin but leave parts of my face looking red and patchy. Trying to force them out is a nightmare and pressing them often only inflames the area, making it appear more red, and inflamed.

Wed today. Fine day. Now decided that we are going down to Wales this w/end. Hope and pray the weather is going to be OK. Forecast looks good for Sat but not for Sun so we shall just have to cross our fingers. Don't want it to rain, I certainly know what it is like to have wet weekends in Wales where the skies just open and the rain never stops fallin' down. Don't want that, no, no, no, but at the end of the day it is in the hands of the gods.

Been drinking more water these last couple of days, trying to get my face back in order. Nothing worse than being 45 and looking in the mirror to see your face spotty, blotchy and generally pretty rough. Is it an indication of a state of mind? Is the face an accurate reflection of what is inside? Maybe, guess there is no definitive answer to that.

You know, I have got to stop reading the papers, the newspapers, the online papers, all those things. Thought yesterday how good it would be to begin to ignore the news as much as I possibly could. I am going to do that. I don't have to go to extremes, just gradually loosen my ties to them. Began the process yesterday by deleting all the online newspapers that I have stashed away in my favourites on the Net at work. That was a good move. Nothing worse at work that continually flicking onto one of the online news pages if only for a couple of seconds. It is bad habit and one that I have had for a couple of years now, more than a couple in fact. This time I am determined to do something about it, determined to cut it out. No good, no good at all, just glimpsing every hour or so throughout the working day. Hoping to find what exactly? Waiting for a disaster or something like that?

Thurs morn, fine day. Hot. Problem is the temperatures look set to drop from tomorrow onwards and that is when we are going down to Wales. That means a hot day at work and in the city and then rain when we get a rare chance to be out in the country. Why does it always seem to be like that?

Slept better last night. Full eight hours. Needed it. Yesterday I was helping Tamdin post out a load of medicine and pretty much throughout I felt absolutely shattered. By the end of the day it was as much as I could do to crawl upstairs to bed. Couldn't even bothered to stay up to watch Desperate Housewives.

You know I think my big idea to try to avoid the news as much as possible is going to be a tough one to follow through. This morning for example I have fired up the laptop and there right away set as the home page is BBC News. Instead of skipping right past it and onto here I couldn't help but click on a story or two and then from there I was soon on Telegraph Online reading articles from there. As I said, all newspapers have been deleted from my favourites at work so that at least is one step, but I have to make sure that all access to news is kept to a minimum; that includes not logging onto online news sites at home as well.

Training will also be required in the car when it is so easy to push the button to listen to the news on Radio 4. I will have to be aware at home as well, here BBC News 24 can also be accessed at the flick of a button. All this stuff must be avoided as much as possible from now on. No point in thinking I am never going to watch, read or hear anything again because that is just not practical but I am sure it is possible to drastically reduce my intake, and at the same time observe whether or not it has a correspondingly positive effect on my state of mind.