Tue morn, another fine day and 1st May. Is this wonderful weather ever gonna end? Yeah probably only when the world does... Last two posts have been a bit sticky, bit of a trip into Doomsville as far as de old slaughterhouse called work is concerned so I will try to keep off it if I can. Ya gotta have stuff to write about though and if there aint any then I'm just gonna go back to work at the moment...aint no doubt about that. Made some notes the other night about meditation. With the mental stresses and strains of the last few days that have been coming through it is probably not the best time to dive into a bout of sitting and meditation on de ole breath but that is what I have done, well not to any great or wonderful degree but a little nonetheless. On Sunday in fact, which followed on from Sat as being a low key kinda day. I took the opportunity in the afternoon to do a bit of meditation. Pulled down the shades yeah an' got down to it. Tamdin was out attending her Tibetan dance group practice session so I had the house to myself.
Meditation on Sunday afternoon was hard. Didn't think it was gonna be but it was. Following instructions given to me by Akong Rinpoche that he gave me in the Toyo a coupla weeks ago when I drove him back into Central London for an early evening drop in Chinatown before he went off to see Casino Royale. Yeah man, trying to follow those instructions.
Thought on Sunday in the early afternoon I would be feelin' nice and light, mentally supple and that the energy would be good. I was way wrong, couldn't have been further wrong in fact. It was as much as I could do to stay even remotely focused. Thoughts were as heavy as lead and instead of floating down the river once they had been observed they just hovered in my mind like heavy clouds an' then they pissed on me. Effect on my body was punishing, aches an' pains appeared up an' down my back, hot patches, tense spots, whatever ya like to call 'em.
My legs were also in a constant state of discomfort. The little thought that was continually floating round in my mind was to move a couple of inches this way, a couple of inches that way and it meant the object, the supposed object of the meditation, was as faint in my mind as an evening star in the brightness of the daytime. Noticeable, this discomfort, this distraction. Usually my concentration on the breath is firm and strong, joyous even, an' yeah man, I might even say I am master of my own little universe. The boss planet around which those little baby satellites of thoughts and emotions roll. Not this time however. The breath was as faint as a star in early evening against the western sky. It was there, the ole' huffa puffa, but it was not powerful. The effort required to keep it in view wore me out, exhausted me. When I was done I felt crushed an' crumbled and it was as much as I could do to stay awake, stay focused on getting through the rest of the goddam day.
First session that afternoon went on for about an hour then I had a break and used the time to take a drive in the Toyo and get down to Sainsburys in South Woodford. Needed to get out for a breather though driving around in the Toyo hardly constitutes that in the strictest sense of a healthy time out but there ya go.
Object of the trip was to take a bag of small change to pour into the small change machine in Sainsburys an' to get credit with which to buy some stuff. Just love the ritual of doin' that. The machine takes 7.9p in the pound for itself, it's a hungry little mugga trucka there aint no doubt about that, but all the same it still meant that by the time I had poured in the bag of coins that had been steadily accumulating for the last couple of months at home I got a voucher for 12 and half squids to spend. Cool. Can't tell ya what a thrill it is to get something like and as far as I'm concerned 7.9p in the pound to da mugga trucka is well spent.
Meant I had enough creds to stack up on a bit of this anna bit o' that from Sainsburys. Usually we shop at Waitrose but there are one or two things it is good to get from time to time at Sainsburys like Silvo polish which I use to clean the water bowls on my shrine an' Sainsburys premium blend filter coffee when it is on special offer which it just happened to be on Sunday. Bill for the groceries after a quick whizz round da stacks came out at 15 and half quoo but with my voucher it meant I only had cough up three which felt like a dirty great bargain indeed I can tell ya. Coin machines. y'all watch out for them I tell ya.
Back at the house I had a cuppa and 15 minutes with the Lordys before going back to my meditation. Thought the little trip outside might have given me a bit of life but I'm afraid I was wrong. Things were just as tough as before and it was one of those sessions where any position I forced my body into felt almost immediately uncomfortable and compromised. I soldiered on to complete the session but I was wasted by the end. Totally an' utterly splatted.
Thoughts were so heavy in places they almost sent me to sleep and there aint nuthin worse than the realisation that you are about to nod. It is as if the thought gives a signal out to the body that it is time to give in and ya really have ta rally yourself to stay conscious. So that was that. Going in and thinking about it during the course of the morning I was full of hope and anticipation but when it came down to it, it was as hard as fuckin' nails and it left me wrecked for the rest o' de day. Never harbour undue expectations of reward. Maybe that is the lesson there. Check ya motivation, if it is one of desperation you will only get caught out, and I think in this instance that might have in fact been the case with me. I was ambitious but for the wrong reasons, I was chasing a crazy kinda dream that I would never be able to even put into words and I paid the price. Big time.
Wed morn now. Nice and bright. Looks like its gonna be like this for the next few days. Bright sunny weather. Sizzlin' London. Woke in the middle of the night last night, well 2 am in fact, and had to go to the bog for a great big shit. Kinda thing that happens not very so often I have ta say. The depth and silence of the night. Sitting on the pan with the light off and having a good movement whilst the rest of the world is asleep. Great. Sometimes that is what life is all about.
Felt tons lighter when I went back to bed but by then my mind was wide awake and it took me ages to get off to sleep. Ages and ages. Lay there thinking an' staring into the dark, thinking about the negative attitude I have been having towards work and how I have to try and change it if I can. Yeah man, what is real in the outside world sometimes don't bare any correlation to what is inside ya head, an' ya have to try and remember that. My solution sometimes is ta get lost in dreams...think that I'm gonna win a million quid and my problems will be over because of that. Kinda shanty town mentality I guess. Expecting something from on high ta reach down and save ya. Real world aint like that. Just aint like that at all. All down instead to hard work and perseverance. Gotta remember that if I can, really gotta remember that.
Yeah my head was full of thoughts whirling round and it took me the best part of an hour to remember to meditate an' to calm things down. Finally got into a rhythm of breath counting as I lay there in the dark with the first birds of day already beginning to sing and by the time I got up to 80 or 90 breaths I was losing it and nodding off which I guess is kinda what I wanted. Next thing I know it is 7 am so I did manage to get a few more hours kip but it was a long time in the dark before rest came along, staring into the shadows of the night.
Yeah, came back last night from an early evening meeting in town and ended up doing a bit of meditation around 11pm. Amazing the difference after the other day. For some reason this time although it was late and I should have been tired, I actually felt mentally supple and quite full of energy. Result was that the thoughts rollin' round this old head of mine were light in texture and easily observed. They did not draw me in, like I was walking under a dark cloud, and they did not rain down their illusory shower of life an' death situations on me. Big difference to Sunday when I felt as heavy as a weight sinking to the bottom of the sea. Ya just can't explain it.
Met a woman in town from a publisher we sell books for. American publisher run by a Tibetan lama who has founded big charities giving books to Tibetans in India. Think maybe some of her good energy rubbed off on me. Kinda went there with zero expectation and I have to say I was surprised by just how much better I felt after sitting down and talking things through with her. Business things that is. Guess ya just can say that sometimes ya need to have a different kind of perspective on things, especially in relation to work right now. I think at the end of our talk I got it, the different perspective, and I was grateful for that. Just gotta stay open and recognise that what ya carry round in ya little head sometimes don't even come close to providing any answers, and ya need some kinda outside help.
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