Too High

Too high, too high that is how it can feel sometimes. Think I had a bit of that yesterday at work in the afternoon when the final 2 boxes from Nepal arrived. By then I had broke the camel's back as far as unpacking and accounting for it all was concerned. After my initial doubts and disappointments before the weekend when I first had a quick glimpse of the kit on Friday it was a day of joy and relief yesterday as I carefully went through everything and saw quite clearly that it was all not half as bad as I had feared. Not half as bad at all, in fact now that I have gone though most of it I have to say, hand on heart, it looks as good as gold. Let me tell ya, as time went on yesterday in the back of the warehouse on the first floor with a warm breeze flowing through the open window an' sunlight streaming through it all became pretty damn wonderful. Yeah, by the end of it I was grinnin' like a Cheshire cat.

All this was in stark contrast to the weekend when I was looking out onto bleak mental horizons. All in the mind, all in the mind. On Friday when the stuff from Nepal first came along and we yanked open the boxes with crowbars such was my excitement and anticipation that I didn't realise I had fallen for the three card trick of building myself up for a fall. That was exactly what happened. In my excitement and nervousness for wanting things to be OK the stuff appeared distorted, the statues didn't look right; in short the product looked dubious through an' through. It was a bad experience. It left me feeling gutted. I had been carrying around in my mind a mental picture of how things should be because when I saw the things back in Nepal they were in different places and in a different time. Didn't reckon on the fact they would have to travel through time and space to get to East London. It was all a rush on Friday, a terrible sweaty rush, and when I walked out the door in the early afternoon I have to say my head was spinning.

Over the weekend I had doubts about my whole experience in Kathmandu, something which I had previously written so positively about. I had doubts about Phunsok and now I had it in my mind that he had set me up. Incredible, paranoid thoughts like that. Just couldn't get them out of my mind, thoughts that the statues were far worse than what I was expecting. Pictures passed through of Phunsok having set the whole thing up, taking me to see statues that he would never order for me, but leave me thinking that he would. Then he would pocket the difference after I went away and would send the cheap stuff in instead. Saturday night was the worst period of the whole lousy stinkin' weekend. I was lying there in bed deep in the middle of the night staring into the darkness with my heart pounding. All kinds of negative thoughts running through my head. Felt like I was standing at the edge of the world and thoughts of jumping off the roofs of car parks appeared in front of me and stayed long enough for me to consider whether I would ever have the guts. The answer to which is a definite no. No way Jose.

Began to think it would be a good thing never to get involved with the whole business of buying and selling statues ever again. Or any other stuff from Nepal for that matter. Too risky, too damn risky. This was what happened and now I was paying the price big time. You could never have any guarantees unless you managed to oversee the whole thing yourself right down to watching the boxes being packed and taken to the airport. All this was running through my mind. Thought of Robert and how it difficult it would be for me to tell him that I thought Phunsok had ripped us off, that he hadn't sent the statues that I wanted and that I thought I paid for. That would be tough. Phunsok was a very old friend of Robert's and in many ways a guru to him. How would it come across if I then told Robert stuff like that? Yeah thinking these things the whole fuckin' weekend just sent my heart a' pounding. Boom tickety boom.

Sunday was a fine early spring day and in the afternoon I went for a walk over to Highams Park from my gaff in Woodford. I love that park. You get a far, far distant view of the city. London town. Miles away an' over to the south and west. It is a great place to sit and look at the buildings of the city on the horizon. The Gherkin, Canary Wharf, the towers of the Barbican, the Millennium Eye, the Post Office tower. Like a sight from out of space. On a clear day they are all visible. Right there, standin' on the distant horizon.

Not only that but by the afternoon at this time of the year the sun is in the sky and shining on them from on high. Always gives me perspective on this incredible city. Love it up there in Highams Park, love it. Just sat for no more than 10 or 15 mins taking in the view before walking back. It was enough for me to get some distance on the whole business with the statues as well and for me to accept that what will be, will be. It is out of my control. Just better to lay back and let things happen. I did my best when I went over to Kathmandu, my intentions were as pure as they could be. If it is not meant to work and I get my fingers burnt then so be it. Came back from that walk feelin' better yeah. Got back in touch with the gods. Listened to what they had to say to me.

All in stages I can see that now. Life and the progress you might make is all in stages. Bit by bit. The walk on Sunday over to Highams Park led me out of the mire and to the realisation that I was going to accept and love those statues whatever the standard and condition they might be. Thought to myself on the Monday mornin' that when I went into work I would quietly go round the back and unpack all the boxes in my own sweet time. Just take it all in, the good and the bad. Well that is what I did and it was wonderful. There was no bad, it was only good.

Realised what a peaceful quiet place it was round the back as well. The back of the first floor of Wisdom Books in Stanley Road. Light an' airy, there was a stillness to the place I had never before noticed. Small children playing in gardens somewhere, delicate voices, birds singing, sun shining. All seemed pretty beautiful to me. Yeah man, and in the middle of it all the unpacking of the cargo from Nepal, the cargo that Phunsok had sent to me, just got better and better. So much so that I got to the stage where I was at right at the beginning of this post. Grinnin' like a Cheshire cat, an' high, most high.